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| This image was inspired by Caroline and the Scholar Spirits she channelled who had forgotten how to engage in play It is for you (and me) and all those who need to re-discover playing, joy and fun, I hope you enjoy yourselves and find the playful childlike part of you again. (Thanks to my spirit friends for inspiration in images!) |
Furphies* are something I was introduced to some 6-7 years ago by my gorgeous man Pete. I thought he was making the word up at first and then I found out it meant rumour/gossip/ ‘lies or lying’/stretching or diminishing the truth depending on what you want others to believe or hear or telling untruths {bull s#@t*} – I have adopted the word in a big way as I think it sounds pretty cool. (It is Australian slang. Note about Australian slang, it has some pretty funny words and sayings in it and I still don’t really ‘get it’ so have to have the ‘joke’ explained to me quite a lot – actually come to think of it, most jokes I need to have explained as I don’t seem to ‘get them’).
Anyway the thing about furphies is that I have noticed how many I tell myself and then tell others attempting to convince them and myself I am telling the Truth and am a really Truthful person. What I see in myself is that actually I have not been true to myself, others or you often (if you have read this blog) I have wanted or momentarily felt something, blogged it and then not followed through to the cause of it and really made the heart changes. Or I have loved the thought and momentarily feeling and it has been there but not permanently.
I have blogged a bit about a few things that I felt I had ‘gotten’ or ‘understood’ but to be quite frank I have realised it is all a furphy. I have no real true experience in many areas what so ever. I have done a lot of talking, a lot of thinking and a lot of talking and thinking about experimenting and actually I have no idea really about how to go about the experiment as I am still writing it all down in my journal rather than trying it for myself and taking actions. (It is not quite true I have no idea about experimenting, it is just I haven’t really truly conducted the soul experiments – Yet).
So why i share this rather speilish speil. I was in a batch of bad self punishment for four days last week, totally high flying with my chocolate cake and everything around me as I sit typing looks like a bomb site (I would photograph it for you and stick it up here but my camera has broken and I feel pretty embarassed about how bad it gets). It felt terrible too for myself and everyone around me, bar the spirits who were laughing at me for doing what they wanted without any protest from myself what-so-ever.
During this very negative soul degrading time I was sitting on the loo** reading Brene Brown’s ‘The Gift of Imperfection’ (I felt the title indicated the book was personally for me as one who feels they should*** be perfect NOW and I felt that I ought to find out what was good about being imperfect so that I might strive for perfection while accepting that I am imperfect right at this time in God’s view) and she was talking about play and fun. Now reading it I felt VERY uncomfortable! In fact I decided to almost skip the chapter. Then I reflected to myself ‘wow you have some big issues with play and fun’`. The thoughts have been sitting there all week and I was talking to a therapist and what does she come out and say to me? ‘Eloisa how much do you have fun? Do you play with your kids often? Do you schedule time with your man to just have fun and play?’
Well what do you know? I said ‘funny you mention that as I have been thinking about it quite a bit this week, I even looked up the institute of play‘ (thinking I could intellectually get some sort of play instructions and tips- hee hee). I just felt depressed about it to be honest and had the feeling that I didn’t want to play, I didn’t want to have fun, it was all a waste of time and I didn’t have a fun, joyful feelings in me what-so-ever, so what was the point? (Imagine a really pouty version of myself standing in a really fun-to-everybody-else-place stamping a little foot and saying, ‘fun, I don’t do fun, my life is not FUN, it is too serious, I am too bad to have fun, I can only have fun when – this, when-that…very grumpy little rumpled-stilt-skined type) I can get pretty negative pretty fast about things.
So I gave up trying in my head. In fact I gave up thinking about it and then just like that, last night these really cheeky feelings started creeping in. I wanted to write things honestly but with some humour – because really they were quite funny in hindsight, I actually giggled and annoyed Pete by telling him jokes that were not funny. And I blogged a pretty hilarious comment on Mary’s blog that cracked her up (I was a bit shocked someone else found me amusing too) and cracked me up as I wrote it – but were true and what I have literally been doing. And suddenly it dawned on me that somewhere inside of me there might be a bit of funny-ness and that it could be a possibility in my personality and that I have been missing out somewhat BIG time on all the great feelings (I am not too excited as all the horrid feelings haven’t been released yet BUT I felt some HOPE which has not been there for what feels like a very long time). I have to say I am still feeling a bit shocked and scared it will disappear and I will be left all depressed again.
And here is what I realised. I don’t know how I got there or why it came up, I want to be able to ‘replicate’ it and ‘bring it on’ but I don’t actually feel feelings are actually like that now I am investigating my own feelings for myself. The only thing I can link to this is a few days ago when I was trying to make nice with my brother rather than be truthful I sat down on the couch and said:
‘Eloisa how do you really truly feel about this? how do you really, really feel inside of yourself, not what you think you should feel, not what others have told you you should feel or told you is the right way to feel, but what do you feel?’ And I felt it. I was angry, bitter, hateful, and then really… really… really… sad. And that was true. It still is – for now.
So I wrote how I really felt as lovingly as I could and it was like magic, the self punishment stopped and I was able to get a bit of perspective and then some hours later the fun bit of me came out and I hadn’t even ‘tried’ for anything. All I had been was real with myself and stopped telling myself the furphies about how great it all is, how well or not well I am doing, how dedicated I am and that it will all work out and what a fabulous relationship I have with my family – ‘cos the truth is I don’t have a relationship with them at all at this time and there is really no point in pretending I do as that is one big furphy!!
So to sum it all up, I am going to set my intention to get real about how I feel and catch those little, big, fat and thin, nasty and pretending to be nice furphies that I send flying about and examine them closely, find out about them and why I want them so bad in my life. Why I want the furphies instead of the Truths and see if a little bit of that cheeky, fun, funny part of myself can come and play again.
*I thought it was spelt pherfie, sounds like ‘fur – fee’ turns out to be officially
Also spelt, furfie: a false or an unreliable rumour or a yarn. [bull shit]
Just for interest (noun a rumor; Derived from the battle fields of World War I, where rumors seems to follow the water carts which were manufactured in Australia by the Furphy company. The US Navy term: “scuttlebutt” also defines a water keg as well as a rumor. Aboard ship was the water keg, where seamen would at times pass on the latest rumors and news amongst each other as they took time to refresh themselves with a drink. )
**I do a lot of reading on the loo as it is pretty much the only time I make for myself on some days.
*** the perfect I feel I should be is perfect for mum, dad, family and what they think I should be and my extremely critical inner judgemental self who thinks nothing I do never ever good enough (she doesn’t believe God loves her much or that God can help her out). I am more than a bit annoyed at what was created in me when I was a kid right now and am harbouring some dark emotions so feel I will leave that for some time in the future when I have actually done something about those and give you some helpful information in surrender and overwhelm.
Right now I can’t give you anything in any of those areas as I haven’t personally experienced them and I don’t think in my heart I even feel like they are such a good idea sometimes. (Imagine a very shrewed shrewish person sitting looking out of my head probably with pointy nose and glasses (looks like me but pointier nose and VERY studious and know-it-all-ee) saying, with a very elocuted accent ‘eloisa quite frankly I don’t think you need any overwhelm what so ever in your life, controlled, steady, just breathe, you are F-I-N-E…’ This is the unhelpful person I listen to often.
On the other side is this lovely gentle soft beautiful creature who lovingly and firmly reminds me, with a joke or two, and many loving smiles that I need to allow myself to be overwhelmed and surrender to all that comes up and allow it out and that way I will heal (she wholeheartedly believes in God, loves God and has God’s love in her soul so she actually KNOWS about it and is telling the Truth). She also tells me that I CAN receive God’s love and God DOES love me and all I need to do is grow some faith and pray much, much more and grow a true desire for God in my heart. It’s that simple anyone can do it!!! Absolutely anyone and that includes yours-truly – ME!
Continuing the subject of being/staying present Mary has a fabulous post up and is going to do a series on “Operation ‘Get Present'”. I highly recommend taking a look if you are an out of body flyer.
Pete reckons that the amount of air points (if you got them) I would have received for being out of body would have sent us round the world many times over, smile.
Mary is going to do a series on ‘Getting Present’ over the coming months. I reckon it is great to learn from someone who has actually done what she is talking about so I have attached the link for your perusal if you so desire to check it out!
http://mary.divinetruth.com/2013/05/04/operation-get-present/
December 2020, note from author,
This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written seven years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I was doing in my life.
I feel we need to choose to love and to give (God’s way) and to allow the pain that is within us to be expressed without projecting it on others, including our children. We also need to stop making others liable for our own unhealed emotions and to actually own them ourselves, trace them to their source /cause and take personal responsibility for what we have chosen to do in response to what was done to us and what happened to us. We need to choose Love and Peace over violence (choose love over fear and anger, and choose to stand up to violent persons lovingly). Though I do not practice this wholeheartedly -yet- I believe it is possible and I believe that it has the possibility to change the entire world.
I am experiencing first hand how the cycle continues though, and no matter how hard I ‘try’ to be different or just act differently to what I experienced and what happened to me as a child, I notice I am re-creating it due to the fact that ‘trying’ doesn’t make a difference. The feelings, beliefs, emotions that are in me dictate the outcome positive and negative. The cause creates the effect and if I do not release the cause the effects are going to be the same. And I am noticing this is true in my life at this time!
From what I have observed children FEEL, rather than grasp intellectual concepts and thoughts (especially when small). The idea of ‘do what I say, not what I do’ does not work. Children are feeling beings not thinking beings**(when they are very small). As they grow older and are conditioned by their environment often they learn to be otherwise and for myself I became very intellectual to avoid the painful feelings that were inside of me. Unfortunately this has also stunted the joyous feelings too.
I look forward to getting to a place of just loving the little souls in our care for the sole reason that they are a gift and totally beautiful beings! Not because I want things from them, emotionally, physically, addictivly etc.
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| Dare to be real and authentic as I am! ‘Mustering’ courage to look at what is real and true. Try it, experiment… Who is the ‘real’ me. Who am I when I am not hiding or fabricating myself. Reveal the truth to myself without judgement, without ridicule, just as it is in this moment now… |
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| Looking to others to find myself, looking to others to find answers, looking to others to define myself, looking to others to know who I am etc.etc, I am finding disappointing, confusing, un-helpful and taking me further away from me. To truly know myself all of me and every little bit, I need to be willing to trust myself, be myself and look inside myself (God can help me and be with me in this process as she knows everything about me and much more. I am not alone – ever, smile, (the choice to be so is mine)). |
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| A good place to start: look in the mirror to find what is really there, as it is now…feel that as I discover it… Then the discovery of what is possible can begin and I can grow and flourish abundantly with God guiding me…That sounds pretty beautiful… what is the possibility of me? What is my potential? How does God see me? What is my true condition as God sees it NOW? What does God see my potential as? What will I be like, feel like, look like when I am perfect? (Wow! endless wonderings here!) What stands between me and God? what stands between me and God’s version of perfection? |
Note from December 2020
This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I noticed what was happening and the choices I was making in my life.
I backdated the post to the day I wrote it so that it is in chronological order of my progression.
I have been trying for a long time now. Trying* does not work. Pete reminds me it’s really simple, ‘you do it or you don’t do it’. Either is actually okay**. Making that simple decision ‘to do, or, not to do’ saves much time, effort and energy.
Investigating why I do or don’t want to often leads me to discover things about myself, but this is also a choice. I don’t have to engage this unless I want to. Though, I am finding I am actually enjoying finding out some*** of the details of myself.
It is like reading a book that you sort of vaguely remember and re-reading it years later and ‘remembering’ all the details and how things linked up. It is at moments, exciting, others it brings up rage, disappointment, disillusionment, my illusions are challenged/shattered and what I feel are the ‘realer’ feelings are exposed.
Along with not ‘trying’ so hard all the time I have been seriously self talking myself out of self-punishment and it is amazing how much lighter life is when I do. I feel I can see much more clearly what is going on. What the Law of Attraction is revealing to me and a sort of ‘overview’ of where I am in my life each day.
It is quite facinating. I am not always emotionally embracing of what I am shown. I am not always excited about what is shown to me, but there is no doubt in my mind that a picture is forming and it feels like a jigsaw of ‘forgotten’ or maybe ‘refound’ pieces. I am also relieved and have a feeling of ‘finally the truth!’ It might not be God’s Truth (yet, smile), there is error there, but for the first time I am discovering my own personal truth. The truth of what I feel, what I felt and how it was for me, I am discovering my story. I still struggle and buy into my addictions especially for approval from others, but with self reflection, and I feel loving guidance, I am able to see myself doing that, mostly in hindsight, but at times I can also make a different decision**** the next time it comes up.
* ‘Trying is Lying’ quote from Mary Magdalena
**I have been told this, though, I do not feel this and I struggle with making the decision and feeling okay about the one I make
*** There are still things I am not open/excited/enjoying finding out about myself.
**** I think it would be much easier long term to feel through the addiction and not have it anymore, but at this time I am still very attached to my addictions and want them badly so often I am intellectually making a different decision which is not a permanent change, it is a very ‘try hard’ action and does get exhausting for the small unsatisfactory amount I ‘get’ from it.
DEAR GOD... 