December 2020, note from author,
This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written seven years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I was doing in my life.
Written 14 April 2013
I think there is a disorder where you feel like you are living in a movie and watching yourself live out your life but not participating.
This has been an on and off again experience for me over my late teens and continued until a couple of years ago.
I noticed over a period of time how much I worried about myself and what others thought about me or how they may see me.
I felt very self conscious.
I tried to anticipate how other people were seeing or perceiving me, so I could change the movie script and be more of what they wanted or approved of.
I watched myself say things or do things and then judged myself about them or worried about how I looked to others.
This is still a coming and going habit and I have not gotten to the bottom of why I engage it.
What I have noticed though is that in the moments I let the worry go, when I do what I actually want to do rather than doing what I think unknown people who are watching me will approve of. When I act without analysing the entire situation, I then receive feedback via the Law of Attraction and I don’t need to worry as much.
Life feels SO much better when I give up the movie and let myself be in my day to day life, wherever that may be in that moment.
I think that I have used the ‘movie state’ to get away from feeling about what has happened in my life. A way to distance myself so that I am not connected to the pain or pleasure of the feelings I have about what has happened or what is going on in my life right now.
I have wanted to avoid my feelings and how it feels to be me as I live my life in each moment.
The movie life state puts a barrier between me and the feelings I have about my experiences.
A method to control and/or avoid deep feelings.