Note from December 2020

This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I noticed what was happening and the choices I was making in my life.

I backdated the post to the day I wrote it so that it is in chronological order of my progression.

Written on 17 September 2012

What seems like quite some time ago I wrote a blog on ‘unloving friends’ I have recently been looking at myself and wondering what is the soul attraction I have with these spirits and people.

What inside of me draws them to me?

It has to be something because if I didn’t want to hang out with them wouldn’t I walk away?
So what do I want from this interaction?
What do I get out of it?

I get a whole lot of:

• feel good feelings
• a lot of ‘hugs’
• a whole lot of approval
• a whole lot of my addictions met.

And wow do I like my addictions.
I love my addictions more than I love others, I love my addictions more than truth, love, humility, more than my husband and the children in my life.

I sacrifice a lot of good things to keep my addictions. To keep them and in the end I lose out!
In the end it is me left with the pain.

So there is a shift that will need to happen to go from addiction lover to addiction dismantler/challenger/giver upperer.

I am not there yet.

I just see it will have to happen if I truly desire to grow and change. If I want to love.

A very important question: Do I desire to love?