Auto mode, programmed to respond,

I have been noticing lately how much I want to do things rather than just feel.
I want to achieve something rather than just experience it. I want to get things done rather than feel my way through the day. I want to fill myself up, rather than just feeling empty, I am still holding onto my erroneous belief that doing is more powerful than feeling.

This has been beautifully highlighted through God’s Law of Attraction.

A little background: I spend a lot of time running* from my childhood terrors**, doing as much as possible to avoid them and keep ahead of them. As you can imagine or if you do this too – as you know, it is exhausting, futile and actually a real waste of time***.

This happens in a cyclical manner in my life. I am beginning to ‘catch’ myself doing it at shorter periods, it used to be months, now a week or a few days and generally I realise,

‘Oh here I am again being all busy, I am terrified, okay, what’s going on, when did this start, why am I feeling this way? What feelings am I really feeling or wanting to avoid feeling’ – yes this is very intellectual for me to begin with. But once I have realised and reflected I then talk to God out loud and I tell God everything I am feeling and thinking, and generally, as I speak it out I often connect to at least the surface emotions – the blocks or the addiction and sometimes from there I get to a deeper feeling. When this happens I feel excited – really excited and guess what? As soon as I feel through even the addiction or the first layer feeling**** I have -the real one – even owning it by speaking it aloud or writing it in my journal and allowing it things instantly change. I get a little perspective. But this only happens if I have felt something.

How do I really feel. Who is actually running the show? Me or Fear?

So I realised I have been in doing mode the last few weeks (it has sucked) and I reflected back to the time before that, when I was feeling myself more, enjoying hanging out with the Pete & the kids, I was enjoying my life – more than I ever have, there was some excitement about desires, I wanted to be with Pete, I wanted to know more about myself emotionally, I wanted to feel myself more, and I had an aspiration to Love my brothers and sisters in a real way.

During this time life had seemed effortless in contrast to the last little while.
I had been making time to feel, every time I felt something, no matter how seemingly ‘little’ or insignificant. I had given myself time to feel (sometimes it felt like taking time).

I had been more Truthful with myself (this includes Pete), others and God.

I had loved myself a little more – drank lots more water, not over eaten, had good nights sleep, allowed myself to feel and honoured my feelings in themoment.

I recognised more easily when I was being influenced negatively by spirits and people around me.
Things seemed more in ‘perspective’.
In general there was more joy in my life which was a
totally new feeling and a really lovely one. I feel sad at
how little I have felt joy in my time on Earth.

Big head, Little heart. Intellectual at the expense of my heart.

Without ‘trying’ things had been ‘better’. There had been some joy, I had felt excited, Pete and I had felt closer in a real way, it was ‘easy’ in fact delightful to spend time with the kids and to give them time to explain and correct when they were unloving or treating me or each other un- lovingly. I had wanted to give them time and it made such a difference. They were more open, talked to me more, treated each other better, I felt more at ease with myself, and with others. I had more desire for God and to find out the emotions & false beliefs that are preventing me from feeling God more.

The funny thing is that all I did was feel. It was ‘proof’ enough for me to know that when I take the time to feel rather than do my life is significantly different – for the better!. I encourage you to experiment. To make time to feel yourself & the emotions in you, more and more each day until you become a 100% feeling being (at-one-with-God! – if you want to be) which is as God made you to be.

I know, smile, pretty incredible in a society that values intellect, so-called rationality and so- called logic***** above all else to find out that actually you are designed, created & capable to feel everything – and that is your True Self, the Real You. Yep, that rocked my world when I heard it.

Heart, what are you like?

‘What does it mean to be an emotional being?
What does that feel like?
How do you become a 100% emotional being? (Check out http://www.divinetruth.com>downloads>20140208 Relationship with God-Understanding your Emotional Self S1 & S2.)

* By running I mean literally by being busy doing things, creating dramas, or busy-ness in my day to day life, jumping out of body otherwise known as disassociating, over eating or making a heap of food, distractions, self punishment, all kinds of addictions just to ‘get away’ from myself and my real feelings. It creates a pain filled, dissatisfying, joyless life that has often been depressing and completely exhausting!

**Terrors such as: making mistakes and being punished in some way – withdrawal of love, withdrawal of approval, ridiculed etc; being violently abused – from anger, rage to sexual abuse etc etc

***I had the intellectual realisation at 19 that traveling and running away from my fears & terrors, literally and metaphorically, or searching physically for ‘freedom’, was a futile act. I realised intellectually that where ever I went I came with myself – so all my feelings, terrors, everything I was running with was always with me no matter what – unless I felt them or faced them. It is interesting that in my head I have thought this but it still isn’t a soul belief yet because I still find myself some 13 years later still doing the same thing. I thank my spirit friends for trying to help me so much. I have lacked humility (still do).

***** I say ‘so-called’ as often we are not rational or logical due to our unhealed belief systems and unhealed emotions. We think we are being logical and rational when actually we are the total opposite.

Example: think how often we do or feel illogical things out of fear, like feeling that ‘everyone’ should approve of me or like me for me to be happy. This is not possible or logical. Firstly it is guaranteed that someone is going to disagree with what I am doing and it is highly likely that there are a lot of people who are not going to like me. Secondly, I am placing my happiness in the hands of others and setting myself up for disappointment. I would be much better off to feel how terrified I am of not getting approval and how unloved I felt as a child by my parents which would possibly allow me to love myself more and allow me to feel God’s Love more and I wouldn’t be invested in others approval and agreement to be happy anymore. I am responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness as only I can actually feel what I feel.