Category Archives: self reflection

‘Soapbox’ Drama

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I feel frustrated at times about the reoccurring issues that arise in my life and I have been told often and finally am coming to the conclusion that really nothing is going to change until I release the cause of these things*. I feel like I am perpetually focused on the effects and dealing with those, which I call the ‘soapbox drama’ in order to avoid the ‘real (causal) drama’.



 

I prefer to remain caught up and exhausted by the effects I create and not dealing with the cause. 
 
The more that I discover the story of my life, images, memories, feelings, events, and (sometimes) feel them, more often at the moment just own them, I realise that the less ‘soapbox’ I need. There is ‘drama’ enough in my life without needing to create more. 

Dear God,

May I have the courage to delve into the ‘real drama’ to feel what entered me as a child and to release it ‘as a child’ would, rather than holding onto the cause and allowing it to continually create painful effects that cause more pain and damage to others.

Love Eloisa


*It is not due to not trying to change things and make them different. I have tried and it isn’t working – much to my chagrin. It is through the constant experience of having the same issues keep coming up, the same Law of Attraction revealing itself, in many different ways – incase I didn’t understand the last one that showed up – that I am coming to the conclusion that there has to still be the same emotion/s in me to cause the same outcome. And doing the same thing over and over again is beginning to be quite tiring as there is no change. So something I figure needs to be done differently. It also makes sense that due to the same thing happening that I have not dealt with what is creating it, the cause, otherwise I am suspecting it could/would be very different. Hmmm something to act about here.

Thoughts: Expression of Selfish Feelings

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December 2020, note from author:

This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts (from a previous blog that I shut down) that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, as I reflected on motherhood and what I noticed I was doing in my life, it is not based on God’s version of love or truth, rather it is an expression of what I felt inside myself.

I have backdate published this post to the date I wrote it so that it is in chronological order of my personal progression.

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Reflections: On Unloving Acts

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December 2020, note from author

This is an archive post. A post discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I noticed was happening in my life and what I was doing. It is an expression of my feelings at the time.

I have backdated this post and posted it on the date it was written so that the chronological order of my progression remains intact.

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Thoughts: One Facade

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I create many facades – to pretend I am one way, to myself and to others, when actually I am not. This particular image of my facade shows how fear and anger* are prunifying** my soul. I had ‘a drawing download’ (an image that appeared in my mind) after I read the notes I took during Mary’s channelling of Michael*** about how fear contracts and constricts my soul shriveling it up small and pulling in on itself. It was an image of what I am on my way to looking like or already do look like and the ‘cover’/facade that I want to believe I look like.

The contracted/prunified one probably would have more holes and be more disintegrating be less held together and could be even uglier and more shriveled. I feel this is what living in fear all the time looks like. I don’t know if this is an accurate portrayal but it was how I felt.

I still do not know what feeling and experiencing fear is like but it can’t possibly be worse than living IN the fear and feeling numb or angry/rage-ful and guilty about being angry/rage-ful all the time (which is where I choose to stay most of the time).

Dear God
 
Please can I grow my courage and humility and grow my faith and Trust in you.
 
Eloisa

*Pete thought that the fear image looked more like an angry/rage-ful ‘devil’ like in a horror movie coming out. So maybe this is more a portrayal of the anger and rage that is within me that I prefer to go to and express rather than surrendering to the fear and pain with God.

** Pete thought it looked more like a horror movie with a raging ‘devil’  or spirit emerging from the woman – that fits too at the moment. 

* I don’t think prunifying is actually a word but it conjures up an image of a dried prune, small, wrinkly, malnourished/denied of love.

**Mary channelling Michael is up on the Divine Truth website and able to be downloaded from > Downloads >14 December 2011 if you are interested in listening to it.

Snail Analogy

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This is how I feel.
Like a snail with one eye peeking out – maybe – depending on how ‘safe’ it is.
Thing is being a snail I attempt to avoid a lot of what is going on within me and around me.
I think I am all tucked up and ‘safe’ in my little shell. I convince myself of this in fact. I don’t realise that every hungry bird about me can see me and if they wanted could pick me up take me high in the air and drop me somewhere smashing my ‘safe’ house and destroying me.
I feel that one day I may be like the last snail (in the image below) and not even need my house.
I will be my true, authentic self and not the scared one eye peeking out terrified snail I am now.

Unloving ‘Friends’

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Today I actually felt what a really unloving set of ‘friends’ I choose to hang out with (unloving Spirits I am in addiction with). They have seemed like ‘friends’ for a long time. What I realised today is that actually they don’t like me at all, they want to use me and take from me and have me do what they want me to do. If I don’t meet these requirements then the ‘friendship’ is off.


I am starting to feel I don’t want to be friends with them any more and what I am feeling now is that this is not ok with them. If I choose to move away from them, if I even think about it or mention it or show the slightest desire to not be friends with them they attack, ridicule and use any means possible, especially hooking into how bad I feel about myself and they use it all to keep me with them.


I also felt that the only way for me to actually get away is to stand before them and say, ‘You know what guys I don’t want to do this any more, I don’t want to be friends with you, I want to be friends with God and hang out with people who actually like me for me.’ 


In my fear I want to go up all tough and hard and tell them to go stuff it and that I don’t care and they mean nothing to me. But this is not the case, the reality is that I believe they are the only friends I have and I am so used to them numbing me out*, making me ‘feel good’ and ‘helping’ me avoid my loneliness that I am afraid I won’t be able to survive without them. The most fearful part is being alone, to truly feel that feeling. The truth is I am not alone, God loves me and is always with me, but I don’t truly FEEL that all the time yet, it is still only in my head. 


I feel like I may have had the briefest feeling of what Jesus and Mary talk about when they speak of ‘softening’ and being ‘weak’ to feel fear. (I also think Jesus and Mary have used a similar example to what I write here in the past about Spirits in addictive relationships.)


If I go up to these ‘friends’ all tough and fake brave they will laugh, they already are and they know I don’t mean it, that I am TRYING to be brave, and as Mary says, ‘Trying is lying’. The only way that I am actually going to face this fear and let it go is to go up crying or shaking or however I am in the moment (I don’t know what this will look or feel like yet as I haven’t experienced it) and say, ‘I’m leaving, you can do what you want to, I don’t fully trust this process when it comes to fear emotions, but I am actually going to give this a go. I am going to feel what ever you throw at me and I am going to talk to God and pray my little heart out and I am going to FEEL my way through this, WITH GOD, ‘cos  God actually loves and cares for me’. I’d like to say ‘Bring it on’ but I don’t feel quite that confident. In fact I feel very small, and very vulnerable, and still somewhat disbelieving. I feel there is a lot more longing/praying to do and desire to grow, but today I FELT the inkling that it might be possible for me to do this, if I desire it enough**.


Dear God,
Please help me be humble, vulnerable, soft and weak. I don’t completely believe I can do this yet and my desire feels small. You know me as I am and you made me perfectly equipped to feel every feeling I have and fear is one of those feelings, so God please help me grow the desire and believe, please help me to be with you while I feel through this!
Thank you God for being with me, for your love God, Thank you.


Love
Eloisa


* Being numbed out feels literally like that, I don’t feel. I can also explain it as feeling like I am not actually in my body, I am watching things happen and I see them happening but it is as if I am not there, I am about 3 cm behind my eyes. I can’t quite do anything about it, like a dream or a sleep that I can’t quite wake up from. Or being drunk or REALLY over tired. Knowing that I am doing things but literally not able to feel them. My fingers go a bit and or A LOT numb and so do other parts of my body, and I can’t remember a lot of what I have been saying or doing. I am not there.


** I felt SO bad and SO terrible today, I felt hopeless, helpless and unable to get anything done, even things I usually really like doing gave me no joy, no excitement, no nothing. I had no desire. I couldn’t and didn’t want to connect to Peter. I didn’t want to love Peter or the little soul’s in our care. I didn’t want to love myself. I felt it was impossible and I was trapped, that I would be stuck here forever. I wanted to tell the world to F-off. I wanted to fall asleep for a hundred years like sleeping beauty, but wake up with it all being different and me being at one with God without feeling anything. I wanted it all to go away and someone else to feel for me, but no one can, I am the only one who can release these emotions, God can help me, but God wont do it for me.