December 2020, note from author

This is an archive post. A post discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I noticed was happening in my life and what I was doing. It is an expression of my feelings at the time.

I have backdated this post and posted it on the date it was written so that the chronological order of my progression remains intact.

Written on 23 August 2012

Attacking the innocent.

I get upset when I see children dying.
I get upset when I see children punished for the denied emotions of their parents.
I get upset when I see what seems like pointless suffering.
I get upset when I see people being attacked or attacking others.

I feel I have some responsibility for the collective attraction of these things that I don’t like.

I am responsible for doing what upsets me to the innocents in my care.
I am a hypocrite.
I justify, minimise, neutralist things that are out of harmony with love.
I want to blame and throw the unpleasantness at someone who didn’t even do anything to me (children).

What I deny is reflected to me every day and yet I am arrogant and I fight it, get angry, blame the reflectors (the children).

I am not humble.
I want to think I am much better than I am.
I wanted to think I have some things ‘right’ and that I am a ‘good’ parent.
I don’t feel like one.

I harm the innocent.
I was harmed when I was innocent too.
I thought it was normal, acceptable.
I must somewhere still believe it is or I wouldn’t act it out.

My intentions have in the past and also now, at times, been to harm.
To inflict pain thinking that it will somehow relieve the pain in my heart.
To punish in order to control and get others to do what I want.

The bad things that happened to me I have to feel to release, they have already happened I am just holding onto the pain.
In my head I know better, but in my heart I still want to harm the innocent rather than feel my own pain and how it felt for me to be on the receiving end of others who desired to harm me.

I talk the talk but I don’t walk the walk.
I want to pick and choose and take what suits and not accept that God knows best.

I do not feel God yet, I talk a lot and am surprised when good things happen.

I realise maybe I had a desire and I am shocked at how non intellectual it is and that I ‘missed’ feeling it or didn’t recognise that I had felt it.

I have been thinking about mothers, motherhood, mothering.

The Law of Attraction is showing me a lot about:

• Myself
• My own unloving beliefs
• My personal experiences
• My feelings out if harmony with love and truth.

I am seeing the investments that women have in their children.
The expectations and demands.
The desire to punish, to blame and have children be ‘perfect’, to the point that they do what their mothers demand as they think it.

I do these things too.
I am uncovering addictions where I feel that children should:

• Do what I want,
• When I want,
• How I want,
• Perfectly
• Immediately
• And if they don’t I will get angry in order to ‘make’ them do it.

When I see it in others I judge them.
When I see it in me I judge me.
BUT this is a useless cycle.

I have these unloving parts in me, where did I learn them?

I believe I will find that out as I emotionally release the pain and error that they are.

I am the only one who can do that.
I am the only one who can change me.
I feel annoyed by that fact often.

I want someone else to do it and for me to just wake up different.
I am angry (having a tantrum).