December 2020, note from author:
This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts (from a previous blog that I shut down) that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, as I reflected on motherhood and what I noticed I was doing in my life, it is not based on God’s version of love or truth, rather it is an expression of what I felt inside myself.
I have backdate published this post to the date I wrote it so that it is in chronological order of my personal progression.
3 September 2012
I have struggled with ‘motherhood’ lately. When I write that it is like the ‘sisterhood’ this club for women and females. The word ‘goddess’ (not in a posotive light) comes to mind and a whole load of other error.
I thought I would join some sort of ‘special’ club when I became a mother.
What I have found is that I had all this stuff inside me that I was denying.
Now I have had children all of the stuff from my past has be bought up, it has rushed forward into my conscientiousness (though often I have been clueless because I don’t feel my emotions so I don’t understand the feelings I am having yet).
Parenthood has shone a spotlight on pain and memories I had spent years working to suppress because I didn’t want to remember them, now they are now emerging.
Being a parent is teaching me about myself, my emotions, thoughts, feelings, how I really feel, think and act, not the facade I want myself and others to believe.
I have been reflected on mothering (this will be an ongoing reflection).
Often I feel that I am smothering not mothering. I am controlling and boxing and creating little souls who fit the mold of ‘good’ as I define it, not as God defines it.
Often I feel I am re creating what was created in me.
This feels terrible.
I want to stop writing, I want to put the facade back up, I want to pretend I am this fabulous loving mother when actually I am not.
A number of realizations came to me about why I wanted to have children:
- To gain my mother’s and other women’s approval
- To feel that I had a purpose and that I was doing something worthwhile
- I want to get ‘love’, attention and other emotional addictions from the children not to give to them.
I am demanding, needy, expecting, and controlling.
I want the children to do:
What I want,
How I want,
And when I want,
In the time I demand it to be done.
I read a blog today and it made me cry. A comment from a friend about unhealed grief ‘silently’ enters children and they take it as their own – it pulled at my heart and brought a cascade of thoughts and tears.
‘Every hurt or belief inside me, every unhealed, unresolved grief is automatically passed to my children and born silently as their own.’ (From My Story. Post 3 Truths, Mon 3 September, 2012)
It made me feel in my heart that what I am doing is not ‘right’. It is not ‘the best that I can do’.
What I am doing is what I want to do and that is to create ‘good’ (in my opinion) children who love me, like me and don’t expose my flaws, pains, griefs, fears or anything else.
I want to feel good and for things to ‘stay stable’, ‘nice’, ‘in control’.
I want to manage and control and that is not how God designed it.
I feel how much I want to suppress the beautiful souls that have been gifted to spend a short period of time in my life.
I see this is wrong.
I feel I want to keep doing it. Something in me must change if I truly desire to love.
I have unloving feelings to explore, feel and release, in order that I can release them and change in a real way.