Reflections on relationships
Relationships can be the source of great joy, happiness, connection, learning & discovery. Relationships (between adults*) can also expose pain, heartache, anxiety, addictions etc. Pain in relationships occurs when love and truth come secondary to the desire for facade, addictions, codependency, barter. When the pain is exposed and there are unresolved issues in the mix it is tempting to blame the other party rather than look in the mirror at ourselves and what we contributed to the relationship dynamic.
I have been reflecting on:
- Why past relationships (friendships or sexual relationships) ‘haven’t worked out’
- Why some relationships felt close and connected and some felt distanced, awkward, uncomfortable and ‘hard’ to maintain or remain in
- What creates the joy and happiness I feel when connecting with some people
- What (especially in the past) created my desire to avoid some people and not want anything to do with them
- Why I have felt attracted to certain people (romantically, or platonically in the past) and repelled by others
- What in me caused these feelings and interactions
- What were my heartfelt motivations, feelings and intentions
Soul ‘conversations’ & interactions
Soul based interactions are powerful. For example I have felt drawn to certain people on sight and wanted to know more about them; I have felt angry before I had even spoken to some people; I have felt afraid in the company of other people who I knew nothing about and had only met for the first time.
I have come to know that soul based interactions are the most powerful interactions. Our soul’s are interacting before we even say a word to each other. There are two different ‘conversations’ that occur between people in every interaction:
- The soul based feeling conversation
- The words that come out of our mouths
I have met very few people where these two conversations match up. Often the two conversations are completely different, for those actors out there it is similar to subtext: what the character is really saying and how this influences the words that are spoken. In my experience when the soul feelings match the words it feels best.
Reflections on divorce
My ex-husband Peter and I divorced over a year ago (July 2019). Ending the relationship exposed many feelings in myself and questions arose that required self-reflection in order to unravel and work out what had occurred in the relationship, and what the cause of the relationship breakdown was (in both parties). As Peter and I went through the process of separation and divorce I have contemplated the following:
- What were the foundations our relationship was based upon? (Love and truth or addiction and codependency among other things)
- What were our false beliefs about what love is and what love does?
- Why I complied with the inequality, control, manipulative techniques, etc in the relationship. And what each party ‘got out’ of these methods
- How by not standing up for love I reinforced and supported inequality, and the superiority inferiority dynamic in the relationship
- What were our emotional co-dependencies and where did these show up in the relationship
- Why did we engage in power play, manipulation of various types, battle for control, and fight to get our various addictions met. Note: there was more to it that is not mentioned here
- How we treated one another and our ‘reasons’ and ‘justifications’ for doing so
- How we truly felt about ourselves (warts and all)
- How we truly felt towards one another (warts and all)
- How little we let our personalities and nature shine (different reasons for each of us)
- How my ex husband didn’t want to be his real self and explore all that lay beneath his facade and how this affected the relationship
- How challenged Pete felt when I stood up to him and began to express myself more as time went on
- How invested I was in him changing and how much I wanted him to choose differently rather than respecting his decisions and choices regardless of what they were
- My refusal to feel how unloved I felt (the cause came from childhood experiences and was reflected in our relationship)
- Why we were attracted to one another initially
- Spirit setup and spirit influence
- Addictions in both parties
- Co-dependence in both parties
- Living on hope that things would change, or the arrogance that we could change the other party
- The denial of some fundamental issues which, in hindsight, we would have benefited in resolving before we started the relationship (but as I was clueless at the time we met)
- Can love & truth truly be upheld when one is desperate for their addictions to be met? I think it is possible to uphold love even when one has addictions, but it takes development in love and morality to do so (I have not mastered this yet)
- The importance of truth and humility. Being honest and transparent about what is happening without blame, attack or nastiness
- What it means to be self-responsible rather than dependent
The difference between ‘drawing a line in the sand’ and saying ‘no’ with the motivation to attempt to get the other party to change; and ‘drawing a love line in the sand’ that applies to both parties, with the motivation to have more love and truth in the relationship because it is morally right and will create more connection and happiness. The motivation being to love more, not to manipulate, threaten or force change (which never works anyway, take it from me I tried it and it sucked).
I reflected on the reasons that the relationship changed and what caused it to break down until the decision to separate and then finally end the relationship came about. Some reasons the relationship ended included:
- The lack of desire for truth (and to love) caused the relationship to break down. If both parties aimed for more truth, more love and connection would have been possible. My desire for more truth and Pete’s desire for no personal truth (at this time) caused us to head in opposite directions. When one party desires truth and the other doesn’t at some point the relationship will disintegrate.
- No longer accepting unloving treatment towards myself and others. My desire (over time) to change and no longer accept Pete’s steadfast attempts to attack my personality and nature, and undermine and manipulate me in an attempt to keep the relationship the same.
- When one party has a desire to maintain their facade and addictions and the other wants more truth it causes a pull in two opposing directions. I didn’t want to remain the same on issues that were out of harmony with love (which caused pain)
I have come to know in my heart that when Pete and I first met, love was not the focus or priority of the relationship for either of us, even if we held the illusion that it was, facade and addictions were what we both desired at the beginning. I have been learning about love and what love is not throughout the relationship, and it’s ending, and I have many false definitions and beliefs about love to work through.
As the desire in me grew to learn about what love actually was & does and to be more truthful in the relationship, things began to fall apart, not because of the growth in desire to love or because I was being more truthful. But due to the lack of humility in Peter to give up his facade and addictions, he did not desire truth about himself for various reasons/beliefs he desires to hold onto (he had these issues even before he met me).
In most relationships both parties (unless they have gone through a heap of personal growth/soul development, character development) come into the relationship with baggage, there are perfect triggers and attractions for both parties and this creates an opportunity to work through issues that each party has held onto since childhood. Working through issues requires humility. Sadly many couples blame the other party for the issues in the relationship and think they have nothing wrong with themselves, when the fact is both parties have issues that are unloving to work through.
In our relationship I decided to change the unwritten, unspoken contract of co-dependence we initially signed up for. (Please note, I am aiming/aspiring for more love and truth in relationships and have much to learn and emotional work to do in order to become a truly loving person).
The relationship between Peter and I ended mainly due to one party in the relationship not wanting to grow or explore more truth. Things could have been different, but choices were made and the consequence was divorce. We are now completely separated and I have little interaction with Peter other than working out basic arrangements in regards to the children.
The end of the marriage made me question what I had really desired, expected and demanded from the relationship.
I learn more about myself and my feelings as I unravel the emotions that were exposed in our relationship. I have found our relationship was conditional and over time I no longer agreed with the inequality, power play, desire for control and sexual domination over me. I no longer wanted to engage in being persuaded to remain the same. I don’t agree with the relationship dynamics my dad had set up with me as a little girl, some of which were also played out in our marriage.
I feel relationships that are based on unloving desires will eventually breakdown, because that is how the laws of love work. Anything not based on love is destroyed over time. Understanding that change is positive and that one has the ability to recognize what the truth is in a relationship (what the relationship is based upon, what the desires of each party really are etc) is helpful. I have faith that if both parties came to know they were soulmates and they desired to love, desired truth, wanted to be humble and had faith in what is possible for a relationship, that after the breakdown and refinement process, something beautiful would be possible. I have not experienced this yet so do not know this for a fact, but I imagine that this is what it will be like.
Ultimately we will (at some point) be with our soulmate (who may or may not be our current partner). Having a partner is a gift that our desire, via the law of attraction brings in order that we can refine ourselves and learn about love.
I think about what has happened post divorce:
- How Pete and I have interacted (or not interacted)
- How unfelt emotions and beliefs from our past affected our interactions and relationship
- The many opportunities there were for more truth in our relationship
- The many opportunities we had to find out about what love is and what it is not (learning what love is not, can help to identify what love is and does).
I now know what I do not want a relationship to be. My desire (desperation) to be loved rather than feel how unloved I felt created more pain over time and kept me hoping rather than seeing the reality.
A partner relationship involves a passionate desire to love, know and feel another person without inhibitions or holding back (wholehearted love).
My love for my partner and my partners love for me is a gift that cannot be demanded. It is a gift that can only be given freely when one has a desire to do so, which makes love all the more special.
I imagine what a soulmate relationship could be like (even though I lack experience) and I now aim for a relationship with strong foundations based on:
- The passionate aspiration for more truth in the relationship (I personally want to discover God’s Truth and work towards that common goal. Also to discover the truth about myself and my soulmate)
- Openly sharing and be truthful with one another about everything in a loving manner (including taking the time to work through issues between us and in each of us individually)
- A passionate desire to love:
- The whole soul equally (self & other party)
- Others (all humanity)
- The natural environment
- The whole soul to develop an openness to being educated about what love is and does
- Humility (in both parties)
- Faith that more love and connection is possible and achievable and will bring greater happiness
- The whole soul to seek their passions and desires and engage them with their whole heart
These qualities build trust, connection and closeness.
Realizing a soulmate relationship was possible started when I heard God’s Truth. I wanted to know what the truth was about me, others and the universe. I love truth and aim for more truth in my life. I don’t always get it correct, I have my resistances, I often muck up, I do unloving things, but regardless I seek out the truth about why I do what I do. I want to know more. It has taken external feedback to realise the truth about myself (and others). I am grateful to God’s Laws and to friends who love me and gift regular personal feedback as it enables me to see my unloving self and I have the chance to refine and change (towards love).
Love and truth go together. The combination of love and truth creates connection, intimacy, trust, closeness. I want this to be normal in my partner relationship. I want to be this way in all my interactions with a partner (& friends but the intimacy is with my partner, not with my friends). I grieve the lack of truth (and real love) in my past relationships.
I have been angry, attempted to demand love and force others to change. I realise this is futile and unloving on my part. Now I need to grieve how unloved I feel, ultimately I am the only one who can now remove the feelings that are stored within me.
Marriage and divorce have helped expose issues out of harmony with love that are within me. These feelings and beliefs started with my family and continued in the relationship with my ex-husband. Due to the lack of desire for truth in both my family and my ex-husband it has resulted in very little interaction between us (pretty much in estrangement).
Aside: Further thoughts on relationships
I am growing to really enjoy relationships and have found that I have more affection for and become more interested in others as I work through pain from previous relationships, various beliefs and unloving attitudes within myself.
As children relationships with our parents, siblings, teachers can be the cause of great pain or have the potential to be a source of love, truth, enjoyment and discovery.
In my experience relationships from the past still dictate my future until I release (heal) the emotional pain that I have experienced.
There are different types of relationships that are created with different people. For example:
- An intimate partner relationship (ultimately with our soulmate)
- Friendships based on mutual affection and or connection via similar passions, desires or interests
- Acquaintances who have the potential to become friends
- Family where a whole myriad of issues are created, often unresolved, but where there is much potential for change and the opportunity to gain an education in love, come to know each persons nature, personality and enjoy getting to know one another and enjoy others company etc. (In the end ‘family’ could include all humanity)
Close, connected relationships happen when:
- There is a desire to love
- Truth is the basis of all interactions
- Both parties desire to be themselves and express themselves openly and transparently
- Friendships can develop and be explored when both parties aim for more truth and to love
- Both parties aim to be more humble: to feel and experience their feelings and emotions weather pleasurable or painful
- We feel and express our nature and personality, and develop our character
- Judgement, blame, attack, unloving projections, fear or anger are not directed at others, but rather worked through in a responsible manner (these choices corrode and break down relationships).
Love (including truth) based relationships require a desire to get to know another person. These relationships take time, being curious and interested to know others, engaging with another person in order to find out about their nature, personality, character, the passions and desires of their soul. Getting to know someone is a privilege and an honour. Relationships are a shared experience, not one sided.
*Note: This post is about adult relationships and interactions. Relationships between parents and children, children and children, and children and other adults have different dynamics and elements that I have not discussed or gone into detail about in this post.
I have different thoughts on child based relationships than relationships between adults.
**Note: The difference between personal truth and God’s Truth:
- God’s Truth or absolute truth (in brief) – discovering the absolute truth, the facts, about a situation in regards to love.
- Personal truth – how I feel about everything that has happened or happens in my life. Expression of self, feelings, thoughts and actions and the experience of my emotions. Often what I feel is ‘true’ may not be how God sees it, and sometimes it might not even be true from God’s Perspective. Personal truth may be beliefs I hold, or an experience I had that was not based in love or Truth.
Often what I feel and what God’s Truth is on a single matter are two quite different things. For example my feeling (demand) that my partner should love me is actually unloving on my part.
The Truth is my love for my partner and my partners love for me is a gift that cannot be demanded. It is a gift that can only be given freely when one has a desire to do so, which makes love all the more special.
***Note: I listen to the teachings of Divine Truth. The teachings are very helpful if you are interested to learn about Love, God’s Truth and many other subjects. Below are some links to playlist on the Divine Truth YouTube channel.