To Do, Or Not To Do, That is the Question…

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I have been trying for a long time now. Trying* does not work. Pete reminds me it’s really simple,  ‘you do it or you don’t do it’. Either is actually okay**. Making that simple decision ‘to do, or, not to do’ saves much time, effort and energy.

Investigating why I do or don’t want to often leads me to discover things about myself, but this is also a choice. I don’t have to engage this unless I want to. Though, I am finding I am actually enjoying finding out some*** of the details of myself.

It is like reading a book that you sort of vaguely remember and re-reading it years later and ‘remembering’ all the details and how things linked up. It is at moments, exciting, others it brings up rage, disappointment, disillusionment, my illusions are challenged/shattered and what I feel are the ‘realer’ feelings are exposed.

Along with not ‘trying’ so hard all the time I have been seriously self talking myself out of self-punishment and it is amazing how much lighter life is when I do. I feel I can see much more clearly what is going on. What the Law of Attraction is revealing to me and a sort of ‘overview’ of where I am in my life each day.

It is quite facinating. I am not always emotionally embracing of what I am shown. I am not always excited about what is shown to me, but there is no doubt in my mind that a picture is forming and it feels like a jigsaw of ‘forgotten’ or maybe ‘refound’ pieces. I am also relieved and have a feeling of ‘finally the truth!’ It might not be God’s Truth (yet, smile), there is error there, but for the first time I am discovering my own personal truth. The truth of what I feel, what I felt and how it was for me, I am discovering my story. I still struggle and buy into my addictions especially for approval from others, but with self reflection, and I feel loving guidance, I am able to see myself doing that, mostly in hindsight, but at times I can also make a different decision**** the next time it comes up.


* ‘Trying is Lying’ quote from Mary Magdalena
**I have been told this, though, I do not feel this and I struggle with making the decision and feeling okay about the one I make
*** There are still things I am not open/excited/enjoying finding out about myself.
**** I think it would be much easier long term to feel through the addiction and not have it anymore, but at this time I am still very attached to my addictions and want them badly so often I am intellectually making a different decision which is not a permanent change, it is a very ‘try hard’ action and does get exhausting for the small unsatisfactory amount I ‘get’ from it.

‘Soapbox’ Drama

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I feel frustrated at times about the reoccurring issues that arise in my life and I have been told often and finally am coming to the conclusion that really nothing is going to change until I release the cause of these things*. I feel like I am perpetually focused on the effects and dealing with those, which I call the ‘soapbox drama’ in order to avoid the ‘real (causal) drama’.



 

I prefer to remain caught up and exhausted by the effects I create and not dealing with the cause. 
 
The more that I discover the story of my life, images, memories, feelings, events, and (sometimes) feel them, more often at the moment just own them, I realise that the less ‘soapbox’ I need. There is ‘drama’ enough in my life without needing to create more. 

Dear God,

May I have the courage to delve into the ‘real drama’ to feel what entered me as a child and to release it ‘as a child’ would, rather than holding onto the cause and allowing it to continually create painful effects that cause more pain and damage to others.

Love Eloisa


*It is not due to not trying to change things and make them different. I have tried and it isn’t working – much to my chagrin. It is through the constant experience of having the same issues keep coming up, the same Law of Attraction revealing itself, in many different ways – incase I didn’t understand the last one that showed up – that I am coming to the conclusion that there has to still be the same emotion/s in me to cause the same outcome. And doing the same thing over and over again is beginning to be quite tiring as there is no change. So something I figure needs to be done differently. It also makes sense that due to the same thing happening that I have not dealt with what is creating it, the cause, otherwise I am suspecting it could/would be very different. Hmmm something to act about here.

Thoughts: Expression of Selfish Feelings

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December 2020, note from author:

This is an archive post. A post I discovered in my drafts (from a previous blog that I shut down) that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, as I reflected on motherhood and what I noticed I was doing in my life, it is not based on God’s version of love or truth, rather it is an expression of what I felt inside myself.

I have backdate published this post to the date I wrote it so that it is in chronological order of my personal progression.

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Reflections: On Unloving Acts

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December 2020, note from author

This is an archive post. A post discovered in my drafts that is a record of my personal progress and past feelings. This post was written eight years ago. It reflects what I was feeling at the time, when I first began some self reflection about myself and how I felt about what I noticed was happening in my life and what I was doing. It is an expression of my feelings at the time.

I have backdated this post and posted it on the date it was written so that the chronological order of my progression remains intact.

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A Gift

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Thank you for the gift of your time and your talents!
We had such a fun time and hope you did too!
it was pretty misty
and frosty
Thank you for your time and for coming ‘on tour’, smile!
It was cold in the woolshed, but nothing like good warm clothing and couple of gas heaters!
John and Kate
John, Kate & Jesus
Josh
Fabio & Jesus
The Band – John, Josh, Liam, Kate
we did some dancing all rugged up – some even in ski gear, smile.
We hope to see you all again soon!

Who Am I?

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I have been asking this question a lot lately. Who Am I? Who am I in God’s eyes? How does God see me? How does God treat me? Why do I not do the same – or at least aspire to do as God does?

The Facades I juggle.
Which mask do I wear? When?
Why do I choose to do this?

Why am I so confused about me?
Who I am?
How do I tell when I am conditioned
to feel how others feel rather
than my own feelings. What are my own thoughts?