Often this man – who I really, really, really like – triggers my emotions & my desires  – like here – giggle.

I like men*. I WANT to like men, and I want to grow my LOVE for men. I am afraid of men but I really like them. I feel scared and terrified at times, around men for numerous reasons and potential reasons and reasons that intellectually don’t make any sense at all. I feel emotionally scared around men – mostly (unless they are meeting a lot of my addictions). I feel dumb and stupid – often. I feel inadequet, embarassed, shy, uncertain, terrified, unworthy, not good enough, lesser, to name a few. I have a huge fear of rejection and feel that I will be discarded, ridiculed, and trampled and squashed if they knew the True Eloisa.


But despite ALL these emotions I like men. And I am wanting to be with men more. The emotions oozing from my soul still inhibit this, so I am praying for the desire to feel through those so my law of attraction changes and I actually attract loving male interaction. 


I have this desire to just sit (which in itself for me is SUPER uncomfortable, and with a man even more uncomfortable) and feel what it feels like to be with a man without projections, expectation, demands, needs and so on (from both parties). To be really frank there is only one man – AJesus (and when I am open, in moments with Pete), bar the masculaine side of God who I have actually been able to do this with so far. And in truth, God and AJ are the ones without projections, demands, expectations and needs, I am not. But I now have some hope and I KNOW that it is possible!!! I am excited and scared.


There is one man in my life who I really, really, really like and I want to open my heart to that man. I want to love that man, the way God loves. I want to open my soul to the possibility of the other half of me – the man half of me, the man half of my soul.

This is the man I really, really, really like. I even LOVE him for him in moments, which feels REALLY yummy!! He is super delicious & super & delicious.. to ME! I like him lots. . .

I want to know what the man I really, really, really like truly likes. What he truly feels and how he truthfully express himself – when I am not projecting mountains of negative emotions, anger that he is a man or not doing what I want, expectations, needs, needy demands and addictions at him. I want to know what it feels like and how to be feminine while being with the masculaine. I want to feel what feminineity feels like full stop. I want to love being feminine and being a woman (this is a growing desire as some days – the dark self punishing days – I don’t want to be a woman at all, which makes all the desire to actually be with a man and my soulmate SUPER difficult.)


I feel nervous, uncertain, ashamed of being a woman, but I want to know what being a woman feels like. And I want to know what it feels like to be with a man without ‘acting it up’ or ‘acting out a role’. Without pretending I’m something I’m not, without pretending to be what I think they want me to be. It’s not happening YET, but this is what I’d like.


I’m not angry at men but I am sad. I have anger in me and it still comes out at the male and men and projected at the man I really, really, really like, but it’s a cover for the grief I feel around men (my dad) and I lump them all into my emotional injuries related to dad**. This is debilitating as the whole male proportion of the population (both in the physical world and the spirit world) are NOT my dad and I am missing out on getting to know a whole heap of God’s amazing creations due to my emotional injuries and errors – God this frustrates me.

Dear God


Please help me open to the possibility of loving and feeling love from men. I want to open my soul to my soulmate. I want to be humble. I want to love – your way. I’m not very good at it yet, but I would like to be. I want to feel and be open, vulnerable and feminine with a man. Please help me feel all that blocks this God. Help me feel all the fear and terror I have – fears of rejection, of being squished like a bug when I show my true self, fear of being ignored, isolated, alone!!


What does it feel like to truly love a man, TRULY LOVE? Without need, demand, expectation, addiction, control, judgement, competition, or comparison. Please show me, help me FEEL what it feels like God!!


What does it feel like to be truly loved by a man God, TRULY LOVED? Not beholden, downtrodden, demanded upon, expected of, needily needed, projected upon?


God what does it mean to be in relationship with a man? In relationship not based on injury or error?
Please God help me to grow this desire. Help me to open my heart and grow my desire to love!! Show me why I don’t want to love when I don’t desire to love.


Thank you God for being! 
Thank you God for loving!
Thank you God for giving!
Thank you GOD!!!

Love


Eloisa 


* When I say, ‘I like men’, I am talking about a new teeny window in my soul that is opening to the possibility that I can actually like men without wanting something from them, or feeling I have to give something to them in order for them to like me or to get something back from them. I also want to clarify that at this time there is only ONE man who I want and am interested in being intimate with and that is the man I really, really, really like – Peter. I have yet to discover if he is my soulmate but I want to explore and feel with him while I am on that discovery. I want to know him and he will be the first man who I actually am beginning to really know on a soul level. This is also the first time I feel I have actually WANTED to open even to the possibility that I can like and know a man and I hope truly love a man as God loves. My life has been dominated by the sisterhood and women who are angry AT men and who feel men are there to be used and often abused emotionally (the women and men at times are not consciously aware of this due to not being aware of what is coming out of their souls, me included in this); It has felt to me and in my observation and on reflection, that if a man didn’t/doesn’t meet the needs, demands, expectations, addictions of the women I have known in my life (at a soul level) then they (the men) are discarded, disregarded, degraded or negatively slandered. I feel like I have a huge ‘ L’ plate on in this discovery – we’ll see how it goes.


** The beliefs and injuries about men I have, I am discovering do not always come directly from my Dad. I have many injuries relating to my dad but many are the beliefs and injuries of my mum about and towards men. This is one thing I am finding that I need to FEEL because intellectually I get it ‘wrong’. When I feel, and trust what I feel I am discovering that often it is different to what I intellectually first thought.

I have been waiting for a moment of clarity, a moment where I am not influenced by unloving spirits and where I feel ‘ok’. I realised that I could be waiting for a long time for that moment and in fact these murky moments could be the best to write in as they are real in how I am feeling in the moment. They are my moments of personal truth.


It has been a really horrid few days. They have felt foggy, slogging and really hard to get through. My connection with God has been minimal and when I do actually think of God or talk to God it is a demand or a needy plea to rescue me from feeling crappy. God can feel me, hear me, and love me in this space, but cannot help me because I don’t at a soul level actually want to be helped. I would rather wallow in my misery focusing on how yuck it all feels, punish myself or vacate my body and allow unloving spirits to use me as they would like to in those moments, hooking in through the holes in my spirit body that I am avoiding closing up by avoiding feeling what I actually feel.


It was brought to my attention that I go out of my body when it all feels too much, a ‘safety’ mechanism I have implemented since I was very small to avoid emotional pain. Once I realised this I have been observing just how often I am out of body, how often I vacate and am not even here, literally. My body is walking around, I still speak, but I can’t remember what I said or sometimes even the actions I took. And feelings, they don’t exist for me in that space I am so numbed out, I can’t even intellectually say how I feel I am that disconnected from myself. Now that I am aware of it, it feels like MOST of the time I am off and away avoiding my true feelings, avoiding the pain, avoiding my law of attraction, avoiding everything and avoiding everyone. I just want to feel safe, secure, ok.


The truth and irony is that I am non of those things – not safe, not secure, not ok – while I avoid feeling how I feel. God can’t protect me while I am vacant and unloving spirits have the most influence  and can do as they please at those times. I am so used to ‘leaving’ that I do it automatically and I am SHOCKED at how often I CHOOSE to leave my body. While I am ‘gone’ and ‘away’ there is no protection for me or the little souls in my care. What I know to be true is if I even own my feelings, even acknowledge them I have more protection. I have seen it, felt it. I stop, I ask how are you going Eloisa? what’s going on here? I own how I am feeling, and in that moment if the little souls in our care are about peace descends and I wonder what all the fuss was about, sometimes I can’t remember what I was feeling, sometimes I am shocked that it has happened, that it is quiet again and in that moment generally the chaos re starts and I must repeat the process. If I FEEL what I feel that is even better, but often I just want the ‘peace’ for a minute and my desire doesn’t go deeper. I know in my head that if I feel the causal emotions within me then peace can descend for long periods of time, I am praying to grow the desire for that one, as part of me is content with just little moments of peace and doesn’t believe it is possible for longer, I don’t believe I deserve it.


In the moments I leave my body the little souls in our care are totally unprotected. When I look back in my moments of non spirit influence, I feel sad, ashamed, self punishing and yuck that I don’t want to feel my feelings and I actually don’t want to protect them in those moments. I would rather vacate and flip out and avoid it all. I would rather feel all the yucky capping emotions than go into the real feelings this cause me to not want to feel my feelings. The real feeling of TERROR!!! (And other emotions I suspect. But the one that is keeping me where I am at this time, the one I really want to avoid is the fear and under that the terror. The terror that controls me and allows me to be controlled by anyone unloving around me. 


I am finding my resistance is big on this one. I read Mary’s blog today and she wrote a beautiful story about fear with the analogy of a snake… 

Dear God 


I am writing about fear AGAIN. It feels like it dominates my existence. I feel controlled by my fear and the unloving spirits who hook in and control me through it God. I am getting sick of being controlled. I am afraid that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hopeless fearful place which I feel trapped in.


God give me courage. God help me be humble and open and to TRULY desire to feel the fear that rules my life at the moment. It binds me to conform to so many things. It blocks my passions and desires and prevents me from loving. It prevents me from loving you and knowing you more God. It prevents me from loving and knowing my true self. It prevents me from knowing and loving my soulmate – the other half of ME God! It prevent me from knowing and loving the little souls in our care. And from knowing and loving my brothers and sisters. 


God help me to be vulnerable, open and weak. God help me to be with you and to feel how you feel about terror, to FEEL that it is just another emotion which I have been made perfectly equipped to feel through. Thank you God for making such a perfect process, please help me to trust your perfect process and surrender myself to it and to you!

Love


Eloisa

Written by Peter Lyttin-Hitchins

Dear God,

It is only in the last week that I have become aware of how much I will do anything to avoid FEAR. I am only just realising how blocked I am in feeling Fear itself. I use the Spirit World to protect me at all costs from my fears……This is very funny and ironic when it is the spirit world I am so afraid and fearful of confronting in the first place.
Dear God
My Body hurts,
My heart burns,
My Spirit ‘fear protectors’ feel so strong,
and my desire to change feels so weak.
God I know I need to meet fear head on and melt into the terror that I avoid at all costs, I need to shake in the terror and truly feel my real pains. Please can you be by my side as I make this creed to open up and truly connect and feel my fears. To stop the avoidance and feel the pain and blocks trapped in my body and embrace fear itself by myself.

Love
Peter

Written by Peter

Today my morning was spent classing, drenching, foot trimming and drafting a mob of sheep into three new mobs. By lunch one of the classed mobs had been mixed up with the ones still needing to be processed.

Did I get angry……Yes, but not with the guy moving the sheep or the spirits lending a hand. I was angry with me and why I have to do everything, be responsible for everything and then the icing on the cake was my self worth. How quickly we can go from anger and self punishment to the real emotions.

In the past I would always blame the guy who made the mistake. This time it was clear.

If it negatively affects me in any way, then yes I have some injury or block that is part of the cause.

What stops me is when I am not prepared to look at myself. It is always so easy to look at others and what is going on for them.

When I am humble I am open to looking at myself and whats going on for me. How can you really feel without being humble?

So Dear God

Thank you for showing me my blocks today, for giving me the help I needed to open up to my Soul and feel just a little bit more……Thank You for your Love

With Love and Gratitude
Peter

About a week ago we were talking to our guides and they gave me two beautiful images to portray what my soul was like at the moment.


The first was a Heart with arteries and blood vessels (which did creep me out a bit as an emotion in me still recoils to the thought of a lot of pumping, gushing blood, and the second was of a tree. Both in essence represent the same thing.

The heart or the trunk of the tree is my soul. The arteries or big branches are my causal emotions and the blood vessels or the twigs are all the blocks that I have to seeing the branches (causal emotions). Then on top of that are the leaves or the blood flowing about and that is the facades we create to hide our True Selves.


I liked the tree image as I could imagine my facade or fabricated self changing with the season, different coloured leaves for each period of my life or season. Facades I had created to fit in or avoid feeling the deep loneliness, lack of love and other emotions that felt, and still feel too painful to contemplate at times.

Now my soul has winter bare branches as I begin to realise what is truly beneath the facades I worked so hard to create. I am getting tired of the facade, in fact exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to pretend all the time, to keep up appearances, be the girl I feel everyone wants me to be. The Truth is a relief. It is like a breath of fresh air on a stagnant day. I can’t say I love feeling the feelings that are coming up yet, but it has become a relief to actually feel how I FEEL and know it is real and not what I think I should be feeling or what someone else said I ought to feel. With God’s help I am more willing to see the twigs (blocks), Branches (causal emotions) and trunk (my soul) of the tree. 

As well as having branches and twigs, I also have roots with little shoots of roots coming off them. The roots are all the causal emotions and the little shooty bits coming off are the blocks, and that is all UNDERGROUND. That to me represents all the raw, ugly, stinky, ‘un-mentionable’ emotions that I
really want to avoid and do not want to see at all. I want to hide them under tons and tons and tons of earth and make those roots reach soooo far down that no-one, not even I can see or remember them, hopefully ever, that is how ashamed and in denial I am. 

What I am realising though (and feeling more and more) is that there is someone who does see them, who knows every part of me and every single thing I desire – loving or unloving – and that is my True Parent and Creator – God. Because I have hidden from, and avoided my True Self for so long, I am now having to ask for help to unearth some of those roots. 


‘God, please help me here, you know me so much better than I know myself at the moment, you feel me and feel all that I am, EVERY SINGLE BIT. Please, please, please help me to feel how I felt when I was the little me, help me see myself as you see me, help me feel who I truly am now on a soul level! God show me the good, the bad and the ugly bits and please can I have the courage to feel what ever I feel and not judge it or attempt to make it different or better than it truly is!’


With so much Gratitude to God and the Celestial Guides on the Divine Love Path!! God truly has created a perfect, beautiful and amazing system/process for us to be at one with her!


With more desire to grow in love


Eloisa 

 Written By Peter Lytton-Hitchins

God …

 

Nearly everyone on the planet has an opinion, thought or feeling when this one word is mentioned.

 

A traditional schooling and New Age parents meant the young child in me dismissed God from a very early age. Natural love, Peace and an Indian Avatar were my mainstay. If in trouble or needing help very rarely did God get a foot in the door.

 

So now in my 36^th year for the first time God is now taking centre stage. How does one have God as our mainstay, our leader, our real companion and “best friend”. My desire is to share our journey from self dependence/reliance to the ultimate place of God reliance. In such a place real truth, humility and pure love would be always present. Addictions and injuries will have gone, fear and terror will have melted away and passions and desires would be plentiful.

 

So Dear God; I desire to be humble and open to feeling and experiencing your love and connect to the real me.  I desire to emotionally connect to my Soul and Soulmate. To be vulnerable and trusting; emotionally open to processing my injuries and blocks; living in my passions and desires.

 

Love and Gratitude

 

Peter

Help us to Truthfully share some of our emotions and experiences while growing in love for You, God. 


Nervous, afraid, unworthy, exposed, inadequate. These are the feelings that are at the top of a mountain of feelings for me beginning this blog. I have felt judgemental at times of ‘bolggers’ and wondered how anyone would have time to actually read what is written and who would want to anyway?
 
Recently those judgements have been turned on their head and I realise that it is my own fears and inadequacies that I am projecting onto others and then judging. It is actually me who feels that no one would want to spend time on me or read what I have experienced. And maybe they don’t and wont.


Over the last few months I have become one of ‘those blog readers’ that I judged. There are a couple of blogs that I wait for because they are such gifts. 


This blog is a beginning for me, to open my true self to the world and share that as it unravels and unfolds. I don’t even know who my true self is yet, I am coming to terms with the Truth of what is held emotionally in my Soul and what I have yet to emotionally realise and release. I am beginning to FEEL and not intellectualise, justify or minimise (and many more avoidance adjectives that can go along with these too). I am beginning to TRULY want God and to feel the Love God has for me and to grow my love for God. I am beginning to want God and to have a relationship with God. In growing my desire for God I am also growing my desire for myself- my whole self, both halves of this one soul-, to actually know who I am at a soul level. Not just the ‘good’ bits or the nice, pretty bits, as I judge them. But the raw, wounded, ugly, stinky bits too. 


So this is the beginning…


Love Eloisa