I have been observing myself more closely lately. I have noticed some things, one of those being how easily I will focus on the negative and not even acknowledge the positive. A total opposite to 10 years ago when I absolutely under no circumstance would allow anything negative to exist (it was a big fat lie but I really thought if I focused on the positive it would all be okay and would actually be positive, even though my life FELT really, really crap).


What I have been seeing lately is that there are enjoyable and wonderful things in my life and there are actually some things in me that are quite remarkable – or at least possibly can be if I allow them.


We had Environment Day today and it is the first time I have actually ‘been able too’ participate. Usually my emotions are so full on that the children in our care reflect them at me demanding my attention the whole time and I feel useless (though don’t usually FEEL it, but live in it) and either leave or punish myself that I am doing nothing. 


Today was different. Today I saw gifts that God has given us, that are there if I desire to see them. 


I discovered trees growing in the tall, tall grass, gave them a little bit of breathing room and gave them a new bed of mulch which I really enjoyed. We noticed one particular tree that felt like it had been planted with so much love and it is totally reflecting that. It is bouncing out of it’s mulch and growing, growing, growing!


The man I enjoying being with most in the world was there and we talked and did some things together, it was fun and I liked being with him in the sunshine, I really, really like him and WANT to hang out with him*.


I made sand castles with the children** and they showed me a frog who put it’s legs out like a star and floated to the top of the water in a swale to breath; a dragonfly newly hatched and drying it’s wings on a blade of grass, it was so new that it was all white yellow waiting for the sun to ‘set’ it; a fluffy brown spider with three bumps on it’s back; nomadic parrots that we have not spotted before – red, yellow, green and blue (but the colours are not just those they are indescribable really and an experience, I am looking forward to feeling colours much more).


The sun was warm, there were people who were giving to the earth and I enjoyed being with them. 


Thank you God. Life can be fun, beautiful, and it truly is a gift!


I am grateful!




* Sometimes I am VERY VERY NEEDY and he tends to head off to do some jobs rather than hang out with me – I don’t blame him actually it is pretty stifling to be with a needy lady! And sometimes it is really delicious – I look forward to feeling that much more of the time.


**It is such a gift to have beautiful souls in our care who are so excited about discovering all sorts of things and who investigate and explore, they show me things I ignore or would not notice and they come out with the most beautiful questions like – ‘do each of my toes have brains?’ smile – these questions delight me.

I had an intellectual realisation this morning as I put the washing in the machine*. It is not written on my heart yet as my life hasn’t changed**, but it did give me some hope.


Mostly in my life I feel alone and like I have to do everything by myself (VERY self reliant). I realised*** the Truth is that I am never alone, God is ALWAYS there, ALWAYS loving me and ready at any moment to be with me if I allow Her to be. So in my arrogance, self reliance and self absorption I fight my way along ‘trying’ when actually God is totally there wanting to help me and I am ignoring Him. (I do have to feel for myself, God can’t do that for me, I am the only one who can release the error out of my soul, BUT I am not alone in doing it, I have a friend always by my side****). I feel I may have to ‘realise’ this more than once if it does not enter my heart. This morning I felt excited by it!


As always I have a choice here, to feel or to deny my feelings. I will see how courageous I am over the next while and how willing I am to emotionally experience my life rather than intellectually working it out, trying to control and avoid it.


Thank you God!




* I am SO GRATEFUL for the washing machine and appliances that give me time to do other things.


** I have to be more honest with myself. My Life has not changed drastically, and The Law of Attraction is still showing me that I have not released my causal emotions and until that changes I know that I still have those emotions within me, no matter how much I tell myself I am different and ‘better’ I am not and thank you God that you show me that – even when I don’t want to see/feel/hear it! Thank you for making it instant and obvious!


*** Realisations are so fascinating I reckon. It is like I say or think I ‘get it’ often when things are talked about, or I hear about them, but until I actually FEEL it and experience for myself or even sort of intellectually realise it for MYSELF I actually don’t ‘get it’ at all, I merely THINK I do. Something to look into here I feel, how much am I telling myself I understand when in fact I don’t understand at all?


**** This made me realise that I haven’t experienced or given the gift of true friendship very often in my life.

I am trying so hard at the moment to feel, to change, to be something ‘better’ than I am. Rather than surrender to the Truth, lay it all down before God and grieve and feel whatever comes up at any given moment for me, reveal my injured self to myself, God, everyone else (even as I write this I am still trying and not grieving). I am exhausted with trying so hard all the time. Exhausted of keeping up the facades. Exhausted**.


I was reminded some days ago that ‘trying is lying’ and that reminded me that I am a lier. I am finding that really difficult to admit to myself let alone to anyone else. I have ‘tried’ and lied my whole life to be what others want at any given moment – and now, with God it is not working. A lot of things ‘don’t work’ with God – I am now actually seeing there are addictions in me that are not loving. There is a lot of un-loving-ness in me! I haven’t really focused on that before and I am still reluctant to see just how much un-loving-ness is there. I am stubborn, resistant and addicted.


I have so many facades and can be ‘anything anyone wants’. Well that is actually getting harder and if I am ‘what anyone wants’ I now feel yucky if not in the moment definitely afterwards (but I am still doing it). So I am ‘trying’ to be more authentic, problem is I have to think about it so it doesn’t always happen.


And there lies the problem for me: I want to be reliant on Eloisa and ‘try’ my way to God rather than surrender to God and her perfect process to become at one with her.


In my head, intellectually, I ‘get it’. In my heart and soul – where it matters – I resist it. I know there is this beautiful path to God called the Divine Love Path and I have to say that in my head I want it badly, but my actions show me that I follow Natural Love a lot more often and at times I don’t follow Love at all and God is forgotten too often.


God please help me to want to allow myself to surrender to you, to want to cry, to forgive, to repent, to love, to feel the Truth of what happened to little me, the little Eloisa I hide away (a sad laugh, I still want to hide her even though I now know God knows/feels everything about me and always has, and that the every spirit in the spirit world also can see everything I have ever done/thought/felt/been).


Dear God


I don’t feel I have much desire at the moment. Please help me grow the desire to WANT to know the Truth, all of it, every last scrap that has happened to me in my life and help me to desire and WANT to FEEL that God. God please show me the truth and can I have faith and courage and trust you and myself that I can actually be with you without ‘trying’ and lying so hard all the time!


Love
Eloisa


Things I am finding helpful at the moment: 
– Prayer/longing to God
-Talking to my Celestial Guides about emotional blocks, what is going on, desires and passions
– Miriam Greenspan’s book ‘Healing Through the Dark Emotions’
– Exploring my Passions and Desires as they come up – ACTING on them, any thought or feeling – if it is in harmony with love – when it comes up. If it is not in harmony with love feeling or even intellectually acknowledging just how much I want to to do it (the intellectual bit is more common than the feeling part at this time). A lot of ‘self talk’ is taking place and I am finding the conversations revealing. I have noticed I don’t listen to myself, others, my guides, or God very much, when I do it is REALLY HELPFUL!!!


* Thanks Mary for this little slogan.


** But not exhausted enough to do it differently or give them up!

Last night one of our guides commented on how often we both focus on our kids to connect to our emotions rather than being connected to God. 


How our priorities and order is the kids first rather than God, self,  partner, kids.  That as soon as we have God first the kids are looked after and feel our love so much more (all my words rather than exact guides words).


After the talk it was very clear that God is our first priority. The question I had for myself was “had God ever been my first priority”? The answer is a very quick No.

So if God was my number 1 priority…….


How would I start?


How would it feel?


What would I be doing with my life?

Dear God


I desire to open up to the truths about you, please guide me in opening up to feeling your truth


I desire to feel you as the Grand Master and Creator of the Universe, please show me how I need to  open up to feeling you


I desire to have a constant and loving relationship with you, please show me my blocks to loving you


I would really like to communicate with you and understand the Laws of the Universe, please show me how to open up to your voice and what is currently preventing me from hearing


finally I would really love to feel and live in divine love and truth. 


God Thank You for creating this Universe and the Human Soul
Peter




P.S Thank you Jeshua for having “God’s Way Of Love Principles” available on the God’s Way Of Love website which is where my prayer has been inspired from.

Fear permeates every part of my life like garlic on my skin. The fear, like the smell of garlic lingers sometimes strong and sometimes appearing to be mild (it seems to come in pulses of varying strengths). It is everywhere. What I am noticing is that some things I fear will happen,  actually have been happening to me my whole life or are happenning to me and I am in denial that that is the case. Other things I am afraid of probably will never happen, but the threat of them feels so real that I stay in the fear of the possibility of them happening. So I figured that I would ‘Tell myself and everyone else the Truth’ about just how afraid I am most of the time*. 


I know I have written ‘bravely’, or to look brave about fear or just about entering into feeling the fear, well that hasn’t happened. I have realised I am afraid and told you and then I have scurried away and hidden and pretended I am brave and feeling my fear when I am not. I have had two very small ‘I’ve felt fear and thats enough now’ moments – I want to look better than I actually am. I am terrified of feeling afraid. I am terrified of being consumed by fear and never getting through it. I am terrified that all I have heard about processing fear is not actually true and I am going to die feeling it.


What I am feeling at the moment is that living in fear SUCKS! But I am too afraid to face the fear. My fear of the fear keeps me captive. I feel controlled and manipulated and confined, frustrated, annoyed, angry, OPPRESSED by the terror I feel! I have no idea what I truly want. I am terrified to open my soul to my soulmate incase he is like my Dad, or that he is going to reject me, or that he will not like me and I will be completely alone and terrified rather than under the illusion of safety and pretending I am not terrified. 


I am terrified of telling myself the truth about how I felt as a child because I don’t have my parents ‘permission’, or ‘approval’ and if I do it anyway I am terrified of the possible consequences and their withdrawal of love. I am terrified of being manipulated and controlled. I am afraid of telling the truth about how I actually feel with my parents and all (bar maybe two) people who I know and meet. I am terrified of spirits manipulating me, terrified of the potential harm that spirits are able to cause me and those I am beginning to love. I am terrified of the little souls in my care. Every now and again I get aggressive to look big, tough and in control, which is violent, unloving and rage-full AT the little souls in my care and then I feel revolting, guilty and terrified that I have done such harm and go into self punishment that I can never recover or repair it rather than humbly repenting. I am all in all completely terrified and focusing and living in that fear and terror rather than facing it, feeling through it and being with God in the process. I forget to even remind myself of God’s Truth about terror.


With God terror is JUST ANOTHER EMOTION that I am totally equipped to feel. All the things I am afraid of – read the above list again and you’ll notice – are possibilities or threats, they are not even real things. I make them up or unloving spirits ‘help me out’ in my thoughts convincing me they are real. I am so easily convinced and manipulated, in fact nothing has to even be said, my own imagination and the mere threat or the teeniest suggestion is enough to keep me in this paralysed place of fear from which I am easily manipulated, dictated, controlled and oppressed. I have been conditioned so well in my childhood that I am a total pushover. Suggest to me I am being unloving or that I could potentially be unloving in any given circumstance and you have me and can control and manipulate me as you will.


Am I living? Am I alive and vibrant and full of life, energy, passion, desire and go, go juice for God, my soulmate, my own true self or for anything? It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I am squished and oppressed and contained and that no matter what I do, no matter how much intellectual conviction I berate myself with, no matter how much Truth I listen to or remind myself of, I don’t believe it. (It does help A LOT to remind myself of God’s Truth, and I did have a moment of total awesome realisation about just how cool God is and that I can do this! But it was a MOMENT and the majority of the time I am living in the ‘I haven’t experienced this so it can’t be real’ or ‘MY fear IS real’ place.


I am that snail I drew some posts back but this time I feel I have been forcibly stuffed into my shell and those who stuffed me didn’t take any care about how I was stuffed they just pushed what ever bit they found and now I am all crumpled and cramped and afraid that I am going to get more stuffed and harmed and hurt, so I am staying VERY still and singing songs of denial to try and pretend I am not petrified and completely terrified. 


The thought passes through my little snail brain that I could just crawl on out of this shell of oppression which has been created for me and into which I have been stuffed, and go straight into the terror little eyes wide open and FEEL my way through whatever comes at me – even being eaten or squished. 


Do I want to lead a passionate, desirous, vivid, vibrant, loving life knowing and loving God, my Soulmate and knowing my True Self? Or do I want to live the life I live now – petrified, terrified, oppressed, controlled and manipulated by my fear? 


The answer in my head seems easy – ‘of course I want to live free from fear’. My actions and law of attraction tell me the Truth – I want to stay exactly where I am ‘safely terrified’.
We will see how this little snail fares, if she remains a terrified crumpled dying creature or if she gets the courage to live, full and vibrantly vivid with God. 

Dear God 


May I have the humility and the desire to accept and FEEL the Truth of my Injured Self. 
May I be completely honest and open with the truth of how I feel to You, Myself and those around me!
God I don’t want to feel my terror. Please help me to sincerely look at why I am terrified and what I am terrified about and grow my desire to actually experience the fear and terror that is within me.


Thank you God for being ETERNALLY patient and loving with me!


Your Daughter


Eloisa 




* While eating freshly baked bread, a sign I am even afraid of exposing my terror and talking about it. I want to clog it up and stuff it down. Writing this it feels like my terror is a ‘thing’ that has power and can harm me, irony is that it is me who allows it that power.

When I deny an emotion I move further away from my true self (and God). That is any denied emotion, so emotions that I label ‘positive’ or ‘negative’*. I have been concentrating so hard on all the ‘negative’ emotions within me that I forgot to look at the ‘positive’ ones I deny so often. I realise (intellectually) that these ‘positive’ emotions are the ones that could actually bring me joy and move me in the direction of my desires a lot quicker (and to God a lot quicker). I didn’t even regard them as emotions. I have a belief that emotions are bad, not ‘positive’. I knew that in my head, disregarded it and am now shocked that I believe it. 


I realised two days ago that many of my thoughts are not MY thoughts. I am attracting them and letting them in and acting upon them, and I falsely believe a lot of them. But they are not actually what I feel (especially not if I am connected to God and the more true self I am discovering). I am finding this challenging on two levels. Firstly taking responsibility that I am allowing those thoughts in and secondly that they are not mine and I am allowing, in fact on some level WANTING to be controlled and told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why I’m doing it. Often I wake up in the morning and say to myself what ‘should’ I do today**? I am now asking what do I WANT to do today. What does Eloisa want to do, truly, not what ‘should’ be done or what ‘needs’ to be done. So far (approx last 5 days) I ask and then shut down and plough through, pushing, controlling, suppressing, minimising, justifying, shutting down, pretending it is all okay, and still doing what I ‘should’ do. 


In my head I want it to be different. In my soul it is showing me exactly how I want it. There is SO much sorrow in my heart and I am afraid it is going to be so huge and so massive. I pray to be with God and connect but often I am so in my head I don’t FEEL God or see or hear the gifts that God is giving to me in every moment. I am sad that I don’t feel the gifts given so lovingly and readily to me by God. I know the sadness is there in my head but I am not allowing myself to FEEL the sadness.


Dear God 


Please help me to be with you. To get out of my head and into my heart and soul. To FEEL the sadness in my soul, humbly, vulnerably, Truthfully, Lovingly!


Love
Eloisa


* Heard this (not the exact words and heard through my emotional filters) in a talk on Service Learning Teams (Mediumship Service Learning Team), and for me at this time it made so much sense!!! [if you want to download or listen to to it, go to link above, go to Events > Seminars > Downloads >  2011 talks.


** Realised this during the same mentioned talk above.

I had a moment where I felt that in Vulnerability it is actually easier to be Truthful. It is actually easier full stop. It was a moment and it was fleeting. I do not feel it for sure yet, I am still not certain, but I want it to stick and become a firm, for sure belief. I want to feel that vulnerable freedom again.


I have gotten to a point where I am exhausted. I am done and depleted, deflated, flat and it feels really crappy where I am. I feel this is how it ACTUALLY feels to live in the life that I have fabricated. I have told myself that my life is really wonderful and I am really happy and everything is ‘great’. It’s not. I feel that at last, finally, I am being Truthful with myself – in this moment. Really, really, truly truthful about how my life REALLY FEELS. (It is a moment by moment thing as I  am very much addicted to lying to myself and positivising* or fatalising* everything). 


I would like to say I have gotten to the bottom of something, but it feels like I am actually just hitting the top of something that is a true feeling. I have resistance still in me as well as a weird sort of relief, because I still feel sadness and a huge grief and moments of annoyance which indicate there is still a lot of feelings there. I am feeling in this moment how hard I am holding on to my fabricated life that is sooooo full of sorrow, heartache and pain. A life constantly spent ‘putting out fires’ trying to control everything to avoid the terror in my soul, to avoid my feelings. I am afraid of my feelings. I am afraid of how deeply sad I am. I am afraid of letting go of all the addictions I have created to avoid feeling how my injured self REALLY TRULY feels. I am afraid to ‘lose control’. I am terrified to be vulnerable. I am afraid of what it feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff and being God reliant. Terrified to ‘let go’ and trust fully the process God has created for me to get to her! 


Dear God


Please help me to be Humble and Vulnerable. 
God help me to Trust the perfect process you have created!


Love


Eloisa


* Positivising and Fatalising are words I made up meaning that I make EVERYTHING WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and POSITIVE or completely fatalistic and don’t tell the Truth to myself either way. I have a tendency to minimise or maximise. My imagination is pretty good at making things SUPER fabulous or SUPER horrendous, Truth doesn’t really come into it much. ‘It is how it is’ or ‘it was how it was’  – feel that, the way it feels/ felt – are very new concepts for me. Maybe it is Truth that is a new concept for me. The Truth of my feeling experience the way I felt it, not the way I have been told I felt it.