Sixteen
Boyfriend
Gorgeous
Handsome

Sunflower field
Our lips kissed
The first of many such deliciousnesses

We hid from a friend
Wanted time to suspend
Wanted the moment never to end

I had feelings
New sensations
For the first time
Felt
Love
Desire
Lust
For a man

I wanted him
Couldn’t get enough
Of him

Wind swept
Salt spray
Kisses
Under a blanket
We explored
He was adored
Private moments

His body
Beautiful
A new discovery

I loved to listen
To his heart
To his voice, what he spoke
Best friend
He shared himself
I felt close
He cared for things outside of himself

I longed to know absolutely
All of him

What he felt
What he thunk
Why?
His view of the world
What was our link?

Who was he now
Who would he become
Would we be forever
An everlasting love?

We talked
About real things
Things that meant something
Talked into the early hours
Each morning

The telephone
Our connection
When our hands couldn’t hold
And our lips couldn’t touch

Next day exhausted
Lack of sleep
Sports training
Exhilarated by the topics of our conversations

***

He liked me
I liked him
Immensely
We were the center
Each other’s world

It was the first time
We were open
It felt like a current
Pulled me toward him

He saw through my facade
The masks that I wore
The pseudo positive
Survival mechanism
Why did no one else mention it
Where was the truth in the family dimension?

Together
A life raft
In a turbulent world

I wanted to know him
For him to know me

Exposed
What if’s
Potential
Possibilities
Wonders
Enjoyment
Exploration
Adventure

Beautiful
We grew
Knew something
Was happening

It felt important
A private
Special thing
Between
Us

***

Girls wanted to know
About my man
Talked as if we belonged
Together
What did we do
In private
Give up the details
Vicarious romance
A heroine
A hero
Novel

I didn’t tell them
Kept our meetings
Our kisses
Our moments
A secret
Close to my heart

Said just enough
Alluded
Omitted
Little to tell them

All parts were important

How I craved him
Body and soul
How I thought about him
Night and day
How I wanted to spend more than twenty four hours a day
With him
How it felt like life got in the way
Of the time spent together
I wanted him
In every way

***

How to describe
A heart’s longing to love
A feeling that no words can explain

A feeling
That adults declared didn’t exist
An impossibility, they loftily said
Take it from us
We have years of experience

Adults told us
Don’t get too serious
You are young
We understand these things better than you
Condescended
Belittled love

As though our feelings
Were not as valid
As their injured
Jaded world view
I closed down from sharing with them
To avoid ridicule
And their distorted view

They told us you don’t understand

The opposite was true
We trusted our heart’s
Our feelings were real

We believed
In Love
Forever

***

Family pull
Decisions made
Choices enacted
He left
Headed South

Alone
At sea
My heart traveled with him
I was lost
A hole gaping
Injured expression
Distorted
Flawed beliefs of love
Exposed
Unfelt loss from past
Revisited

He called weeks later
Said we were ended

My heart disagreed
My feelings unchanged for him
It didn’t make sense
How could it end
When it didn’t feel ended
To me

How could he feel
I love you
But I can’t be with you
I didn’t comprehend

I argued
I cried
I sobbed
And I pleaded
His mind was made up
Terrors won
Unfelt
They wounded

Alone
I shut down
Grief unexpressed
A layer of anger I grew there instead
For a number of years
Closed and alone
I felt lost
Adrift
Without
him

***

Over the years
I thought fondly of him
A friend
Who has my affection
Blessed to have felt
Feelings for him
An experience
Reciprocated

****

Twenty five years
So much has occurred
My feelings were real
Love somewhat distorted but
Never absurd

If I’d had courage
If I had cried
If I’d had more knowledge
Inside
I would have grieved
Released
The pain of my past
Childhood trauma
Expelled
Would not have dictated
My future choices

***

I contemplate
The experiences I had
God’s Truth about love
Feelings emerge
Facts to be felt
New knowledge to absorb

 

Eloisa, 17 August 2022 at 16.31pm