Reduced to boobs and a vagina by the men I wanted addictive ‘love’ from
Nothing more than an object for sexual pleasure

Reduced: boobs, vagina

It’s not all that I am but that’s all that you wanted from me
That’s all that you see

I don’t want to be an object
A sexual pleasure play thing
I want to be all that I am
Not reduced to the parts that you want me to be

Taught that the only good thing about me was what I could give to men
It felt all that my intimate partners wanted was my body, my sex
For me to addictively make them feel good
Everything else didn’t matter

My sexuality forcibly taken as a young girl, distorted by father, spirits, brother
Then given to men without question, first dad, then boyfriends, and to a husband
Power play, sexual domination, sexual rage and inherited shame
I used sexuality to barter all manner of things without acknowledgement of the price I immediately paid

When I feel about it
It hurt to be reduced to the sum of parts
It hurt most that I agreed with the lies and reduced definitions of myself

It’s not true that is all I am worth
I no longer want to do it
I am angry, so f**k him and screw it

I’m not your play thing
I’m not your baby or your doll
I’m not merely a body
I’m also a soul

Why can’t you see me
Why don’t you want to
It f**king feels awful
The most awfullest part is I’ve agreed with your reduced version of me in my heart

Now as I feel the pain that is there of this bad treatment
And my belief you were right
When I feel all of that
The pain creeps on in
And I know I will eventually have to fall apart
And let myself shine from under this skin

I am so invested in your thoughts
Invested in you
Invested in what you want
I let it define me
Defined by the lies
Believed them
Lived by them
At what cost?

At the cost of my own soul’s self expression
At the cost of me giving up what I hold dear
The cost is me giving up what I know to be true
The cost is too great for me to be with you

The pain it seeps in
Not feeling the pain clouded my judgement

But now the choice is before me
To be in agreement, remain the same
Or no longer agree with this reduction of me

Eloisa, 22 December 2020, 10:00pm

Note: This is an expression of my angry feelings of being a girl/woman growing up with a dad who feels women are inferior to men and has distorted feelings around sex and sexuality.

I have acted out sexually sometimes submissively other times desiring power and control in order to avoid feeling deeper emotions of fear, grief, despair and powerlessness among other emotions (there is a lot of variety within me).

Due to not healing the feelings within myself created in my childhood before I entered relationships, I attracted men (including my ex-husband) who also had unloving emotions towards women and desired a distorted sexual relationship not based upon love or truth. Sexual injuries and falsely believing women are inferior to men are inter generational feeling in both mine and my ex’s families.

Thanks to Pexels.com for the images in this post.