My Story: Love Overcomes Evil: Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. What an awesome sentence. Somewhere inside of me a light comes on and an in-built rad…

That I feel Love and am open to Love.
But on reflection I am not.
I am tentative about Love.
I am cynical and sceptical.
I bow to fear and anger more readily then I stand for Love.


Yet I cling to love. Or the idea of Love, the hope of Love.


I cling to the times when Love has been demonstrated to me. To the encounters I have had that have caused me to feel the Truth and how much easier it was to feel while being loved than through the experience of anger or fear. This was REAL Love!


I remind myself:
Love is powerful
Love is real
Love heals
Love is stronger than fear and I am open to feel when love is present.


If only it was always that way 
If only Love ruled each moment permanently in my life. (It can so why don’t I let it?)


The Truth is Love does rule!


But I am busy focusing on my fear and rage and that makes it hard for Love to flourish in my life.
I trot over Love, I dismiss the times Love has ‘crumbled my stone heart to sand**.’
I am so busy looking through my telescope focused on negativity, evil, bad, pain, that Love might be right next to me and I miss it or don’t recognise it as it Love, or often don’t even want to see it.
I want to protect the pain and hurt, anger and fear.

So busy focusing on other things than Love.

It was recently reflected to me is how often I get on my ‘high horse’ about Love. How I ‘decide’ what is and what is not love (read ‘love’ as meet my addictions and make me feel good equals love). Often I am riding over real Love in pursuit of addictive love. I also judge and condemn in the name of love.

On My High Horse about Love

Really I need to take a pause and feel about what Love is. What it really means, what it actually feels like, not what I have been told it means or feels like!

I often doubt the ‘ultimate power of Love over evil’ and often ‘believe in Fear over Love’***.


What if I didn’t doubt Love?
What would my life be like if I stood for Love above all else?
What actions would I take and how would it feel to live with Love Ruling in MY life?

*I have been reading Mary’s blog and her feelings and reflections about Love .

** Thank you Mary for this beautiful image.


*** Thank you again Mary for asking the questions:


 ‘what do I believe in? Love or fear?’

‘Do you ever doubt the ultimate power of love over evil?’

We spent a day in a garden made for collecting seed. With people who love seeds, plants and growing things. Learning about plants, seeds, collecting them, drying them, planting, transplanting them and growing them (well God does the growing, we enjoy them! smile). Thank you to Darren, Jazz, Darren’s Mum and Nevyl for having us at the Little Lady Bird Nursery for Environment Day! Thank you to those of you who gave your time and efforts. We feel blessed to have been in the company of people acting on their passions and desires! 

I AM BRAVE WHEN I DESIRE THE TRUTH.


I AM BRAVER WHEN I FEEL THE TRUTH.


I AM BRAVEST WHEN I HAVE BECOME THE TRUTH ( I have felt the emotion and it is part of me, no longer controlling or influencing me.)

Thank you Angelo!!!

I like words.


Delight is such a yummy word. It tastes*. It feels so yum on my tongue and teeth, and it has a whole emotional feeling to it also. There are things that genuinely delight me. It is this light, airy feeling almost like a small leap or a jump that happens within me when I am delighted and I feel the word sort of sounds like it feels. Delight brings to mind an image of when I was a little girl dressed all in white jumping little jumps over things I noticed on the ground**. Or a frog with it’s legs out like a star floating up to the surface of the water.


It is like the word ‘delicious’ it feels that way, and it sounds plump and juicy and delicious. like licking lips that have something tasty on them or a yummy kiss with my man – one that is all plump and luscious ‘soft lips’ as he would say, rather than my ‘sour, tight, closed, angry, uptight lips’ – my lips have a personality (read reflect my emotions), smile, actually my whole body reflects every emotion – this has just ‘hit’ me talking about lips but actually every body part reflects our emotions and I have been told that but actually didn’t even intellectually ‘get it’, but lips yep they definitely reflect emotions.


I really like lips and I really like words, and there are some that I really don’t like too. Words are quite remarkable how they can trigger feelings, how they can bring back memories, how they hold emotional charge. Or it could be that it’s not the word itself,  but the way they are said, the emotions they are said with.


I re-discovered how much I like words when I auditioned for a concert with a poem. I know poems might sound ‘old fashioned’*** but poems can be so powerful, so full of emotion and can bring so much out in such a concise set of words. Each word has been selectively chosen for a specific, precise purpose. Each word can be loaded, has meaning, has depth, depths. Each word speaks for itself, it is emotive and can trigger us to be emotional.


I love words.


I love language.


In fact I might even have a passion for it. 


How tentative I am to utter my passions and desires. I want to keep them all locked up and hidden and not tell anyone in case they don’t work out or incase someone doesn’t approve, or incase I am really ‘bad’ at them, incase they are addictions…, incase…., incase… so much False Expectations Appearing Real!!!


Another word I like is Desire – though it holds as I judge it ‘negative’ connotations for me also but I like it. I like what it implies, what it means, what it holds, it’s potential, and the sound of it on my tongue! I like Desire!!!****


The word Desire brings me to discovering some passions and desires. One being shoe making. I have actually wanted to make shoes for a long time (since I was about 13) and finally I have learnt how. I am finding that I have many ideas and thoughts and downloads and lots of help from my friend Michael (and maybe other spirits too) who was a shoe maker a couple of centuries ago. But I have yet to make up all the ideas physically and that is bringing up a number of emotions that I have had ‘hidden’ away from myself for some time. It is actually quite cool to discover what is inside me through doing something I like. And I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like making shoes, thinking about shoes, talking to Michael about shoes, designing shoes, making shoes. 


I will write more on shoes at another time. For now I hope you enjoy exploring and discovering and adventuring into some of your passions and desires and maybe taste a few words and see how they feel. smile.

Dear God


Thank you for desires, passions, Truth, Love, for words, language, feet, shoes, spirits, for felt, nylon, investigation, ideas, never ending possibility, and a various, variety of delightful things. For kisses, frogs, sunlight, string and wonder, for people who inspire. Thank you for creating so many never ending wonders for us to discover! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!


Love


Eloisa 

*I have always liked ‘tasting’ words, feeling them around in my mouth, experimenting with how they sound and ‘feel’ and what they taste like. It is fun. I like finding words I don’t know and what they actually mean (many words ‘officially’ mean more than what we use them for), how the word has changed over time and what it mean’t in times gone by or how it used to be used and how it is now used. Words change and move. I get disappointed in myself that I don’t choose to remember all I find out about words and I don’t remember many very tasty words. What I do remember is the feeling I had discovering them and how excited I felt exploring and investigating words and their history or a ‘new’ word I had found popping up all over the place once I had noticed it (very much like the Law of Attraction). When I move through the emotion maybe I will remember it all once again. 


** interesting how words are emotionally charged, I reckon I might feel quite differently about this word when I am at one with God and maybe even in a year or two, in fact words directly influence and affect me emotionally all the time.


***I love the art of the spoken word. Poetry spoken or read aloud. Stories told, spoken, read aloud. Songs. The spoken word when it is spoken with emotion or to evoke emotion, when it is given as a gift it is beautiful! Also songs are poetry though sometimes we forget that.


****I feel like I am personifying or emotifying words, giggle, giving them personality and things that they may not be for others, so read this as very Eloisa’s emotions based and feel out if it fits for you or not.

I have been observing myself more closely lately. I have noticed some things, one of those being how easily I will focus on the negative and not even acknowledge the positive. A total opposite to 10 years ago when I absolutely under no circumstance would allow anything negative to exist (it was a big fat lie but I really thought if I focused on the positive it would all be okay and would actually be positive, even though my life FELT really, really crap).


What I have been seeing lately is that there are enjoyable and wonderful things in my life and there are actually some things in me that are quite remarkable – or at least possibly can be if I allow them.


We had Environment Day today and it is the first time I have actually ‘been able too’ participate. Usually my emotions are so full on that the children in our care reflect them at me demanding my attention the whole time and I feel useless (though don’t usually FEEL it, but live in it) and either leave or punish myself that I am doing nothing. 


Today was different. Today I saw gifts that God has given us, that are there if I desire to see them. 


I discovered trees growing in the tall, tall grass, gave them a little bit of breathing room and gave them a new bed of mulch which I really enjoyed. We noticed one particular tree that felt like it had been planted with so much love and it is totally reflecting that. It is bouncing out of it’s mulch and growing, growing, growing!


The man I enjoying being with most in the world was there and we talked and did some things together, it was fun and I liked being with him in the sunshine, I really, really like him and WANT to hang out with him*.


I made sand castles with the children** and they showed me a frog who put it’s legs out like a star and floated to the top of the water in a swale to breath; a dragonfly newly hatched and drying it’s wings on a blade of grass, it was so new that it was all white yellow waiting for the sun to ‘set’ it; a fluffy brown spider with three bumps on it’s back; nomadic parrots that we have not spotted before – red, yellow, green and blue (but the colours are not just those they are indescribable really and an experience, I am looking forward to feeling colours much more).


The sun was warm, there were people who were giving to the earth and I enjoyed being with them. 


Thank you God. Life can be fun, beautiful, and it truly is a gift!


I am grateful!




* Sometimes I am VERY VERY NEEDY and he tends to head off to do some jobs rather than hang out with me – I don’t blame him actually it is pretty stifling to be with a needy lady! And sometimes it is really delicious – I look forward to feeling that much more of the time.


**It is such a gift to have beautiful souls in our care who are so excited about discovering all sorts of things and who investigate and explore, they show me things I ignore or would not notice and they come out with the most beautiful questions like – ‘do each of my toes have brains?’ smile – these questions delight me.

I had an intellectual realisation this morning as I put the washing in the machine*. It is not written on my heart yet as my life hasn’t changed**, but it did give me some hope.


Mostly in my life I feel alone and like I have to do everything by myself (VERY self reliant). I realised*** the Truth is that I am never alone, God is ALWAYS there, ALWAYS loving me and ready at any moment to be with me if I allow Her to be. So in my arrogance, self reliance and self absorption I fight my way along ‘trying’ when actually God is totally there wanting to help me and I am ignoring Him. (I do have to feel for myself, God can’t do that for me, I am the only one who can release the error out of my soul, BUT I am not alone in doing it, I have a friend always by my side****). I feel I may have to ‘realise’ this more than once if it does not enter my heart. This morning I felt excited by it!


As always I have a choice here, to feel or to deny my feelings. I will see how courageous I am over the next while and how willing I am to emotionally experience my life rather than intellectually working it out, trying to control and avoid it.


Thank you God!




* I am SO GRATEFUL for the washing machine and appliances that give me time to do other things.


** I have to be more honest with myself. My Life has not changed drastically, and The Law of Attraction is still showing me that I have not released my causal emotions and until that changes I know that I still have those emotions within me, no matter how much I tell myself I am different and ‘better’ I am not and thank you God that you show me that – even when I don’t want to see/feel/hear it! Thank you for making it instant and obvious!


*** Realisations are so fascinating I reckon. It is like I say or think I ‘get it’ often when things are talked about, or I hear about them, but until I actually FEEL it and experience for myself or even sort of intellectually realise it for MYSELF I actually don’t ‘get it’ at all, I merely THINK I do. Something to look into here I feel, how much am I telling myself I understand when in fact I don’t understand at all?


**** This made me realise that I haven’t experienced or given the gift of true friendship very often in my life.

I am trying so hard at the moment to feel, to change, to be something ‘better’ than I am. Rather than surrender to the Truth, lay it all down before God and grieve and feel whatever comes up at any given moment for me, reveal my injured self to myself, God, everyone else (even as I write this I am still trying and not grieving). I am exhausted with trying so hard all the time. Exhausted of keeping up the facades. Exhausted**.


I was reminded some days ago that ‘trying is lying’ and that reminded me that I am a lier. I am finding that really difficult to admit to myself let alone to anyone else. I have ‘tried’ and lied my whole life to be what others want at any given moment – and now, with God it is not working. A lot of things ‘don’t work’ with God – I am now actually seeing there are addictions in me that are not loving. There is a lot of un-loving-ness in me! I haven’t really focused on that before and I am still reluctant to see just how much un-loving-ness is there. I am stubborn, resistant and addicted.


I have so many facades and can be ‘anything anyone wants’. Well that is actually getting harder and if I am ‘what anyone wants’ I now feel yucky if not in the moment definitely afterwards (but I am still doing it). So I am ‘trying’ to be more authentic, problem is I have to think about it so it doesn’t always happen.


And there lies the problem for me: I want to be reliant on Eloisa and ‘try’ my way to God rather than surrender to God and her perfect process to become at one with her.


In my head, intellectually, I ‘get it’. In my heart and soul – where it matters – I resist it. I know there is this beautiful path to God called the Divine Love Path and I have to say that in my head I want it badly, but my actions show me that I follow Natural Love a lot more often and at times I don’t follow Love at all and God is forgotten too often.


God please help me to want to allow myself to surrender to you, to want to cry, to forgive, to repent, to love, to feel the Truth of what happened to little me, the little Eloisa I hide away (a sad laugh, I still want to hide her even though I now know God knows/feels everything about me and always has, and that the every spirit in the spirit world also can see everything I have ever done/thought/felt/been).


Dear God


I don’t feel I have much desire at the moment. Please help me grow the desire to WANT to know the Truth, all of it, every last scrap that has happened to me in my life and help me to desire and WANT to FEEL that God. God please show me the truth and can I have faith and courage and trust you and myself that I can actually be with you without ‘trying’ and lying so hard all the time!


Love
Eloisa


Things I am finding helpful at the moment: 
– Prayer/longing to God
-Talking to my Celestial Guides about emotional blocks, what is going on, desires and passions
– Miriam Greenspan’s book ‘Healing Through the Dark Emotions’
– Exploring my Passions and Desires as they come up – ACTING on them, any thought or feeling – if it is in harmony with love – when it comes up. If it is not in harmony with love feeling or even intellectually acknowledging just how much I want to to do it (the intellectual bit is more common than the feeling part at this time). A lot of ‘self talk’ is taking place and I am finding the conversations revealing. I have noticed I don’t listen to myself, others, my guides, or God very much, when I do it is REALLY HELPFUL!!!


* Thanks Mary for this little slogan.


** But not exhausted enough to do it differently or give them up!