Poem: Auto Responder

automatic
automaton
robotic

I am an auto responderdon’t have to say it
don’t need to gesture
don’t need to even utter a whisper

I am an auto responder

never ask
never mention
think that the facade is reality

I am an auto responder

don’t see an issue
don’t see the fissure
the soul interaction is ignored

I am an auto responder

your unsaid demands are my command
I respond
I act
I do as you want without a word uttered from your lips

we seem compatible
we seem ‘close’
we seem ‘perfect’ as I act on your wish

but I do not think
nor act for myself
I do not blink
I only sink further and further into my auto response

I want your approval
I want you to like me
I want you to not do things that I perceive will frighten me

I am attentive
I am attuned
I am emotionally at your beck and call

and there seems like there is no issue
no problem
no conflict
because I am already in auto response, to your perceived ‘needs’, & to the demands

I was moulded
and scolded
love was withheld
I sought it
was needy
I seek from you still

I believed that if I met the demands and your wants
by becoming an auto responder
attuned to your will
that somehow by ‘magic’ you’d see the ‘good girl’
and desire to love her
to know her
and not wish her ill

yet here I am still on the outside
while you keep me wanting more
I see now my error
In seeking love from those who do not desire to give it
I will never get it
I will never receive
no matter how hard I seek or how well I respond

my auto response is what you wanted

I now feel the fury build within me
the fear is there also
a battle within me

my decisions,
my choices
they matter
the auto responder needs to be outed
to be given up
the addiction deconstructed
I need to come to think for myself

no more automatic
it keeps me in chains
keeps me attached
keeps me in pain

Eloisa, 18 January 2021, 5.30pm

*****

Poem: Demand Responder

demand of me
command me
mould me to your will

control me
unfold me
I am a robot to your needs

I am held here
by the false belief that if I feel what I feel, you will somehow gain

I am stuck
I am stagnant
a pool of murky goop

an automaton
at your bidding
I do what you want

I respond to the demand
before you speak the words
I respond to your will
before you even act

I am attuned to the demand
like an instrument that you command
attuned to what you feel
dictated to by the fears I store inside my soul

what do I fear?
the wrath
the fury
the put downs that I allow to control me
the underhanded manipulation
I act on automatic to avoid how I feel

I am in a cycle
again & again I respond in this way
before a word is spoken
I act on the demand
the demand commands me to do as it desires

***

open your eyes dearest girl
see yourself as you are now
a woman only tethered by not releasing the pain of the past
only controlled and commanded by the demand while you don’t let the feelings flow

you have a choice
you have a say
you can give this up today

let it be felt
let out the fear, let out the fury, let all emotion flow
let every bit out
don’t wait another moment

Eloisa, 18 January 2021, 5.15pm