In the introductory post to ‘experiment self-responsibility’ I introduced readers to a family experiment I have begun.
To read the introductory post press this link.
In brief there are some issues in our family that were not changing and I made the decision to take action to change them. This is because in our family conversations and talking makes no change, it is only action that anyone responds to.
Background (extra detail)
Peter and I set up a dynamic with the children from before they were born. For my part I made an emotional ‘contract’ that I would do whatever they wanted in order to get my emotional addictions met, a couple of these addictions include to feel that I was being a ‘good mum’, to not feel sad about some things I feel I missed out on as a child, and in order to avoid my own grief I took actions to give the children whatever they wanted thinking that somehow this would take my pain away.
The reality is that the pain inside of me did not go away in my attempts to get emotional addictions met and the results are that I have taught three children that they are entitled to have what they, want when they want it, every time they want it. I also notice that on the issues I have refused to feel about the pain has increased due to doing more unloving things rather than stopping experiencing my feelings about those things.
This is damaging from a soul perspective to the children, and to myself and Pete (kids dad) for having engendered this attitude in them, it is also damaging to the world at large, imagine a world where everyone had this attitude, it would not turn out well.
Over time I have come to see that what Peter and I have taught the children is wrong and immoral (meaning wrong from God’s Perspective). We the parents have taught the children that they are superior to others and that they should get things at the expense of others, and a heap of other falsities. When I say taught, Pete and I didn’t sit down and instruct them, they learned via soul to soul communication and our example and or allowance and encouragement of certain beliefs, values, actions etc. The words we say as parents have little impact unless they match the feelings we have (our soul feelings).
Both parents (all caregivers and significant people in a child’s life) contribute to the dynamics in a family whether they spend much time with the children or not. Currently in our family I am the only party who wants to change both the partner relationship and parent child relationship dynamics and learn to live God’s Way. This is why I focus on myself and what I am experiencing in these posts.
Family emotional injuries are quite complex and in our family there is more than just one issue at play, for instance the boys in our family are treated differently to the girls. There are many false beliefs in our family, one being, that males are superior to females, that females are there to serve males in most ways and females deserve bad treatment, even abuse of women is condoned and or accepted as somehow their problem (this is a feeling past down for generations by both parents families). There are many other beliefs in our family about gender roles and unloving treatment of both men and women, one example is men should take away a woman’s fear and men should do outside jobs or tasks that women find challenging or just don’t want to do.
The issues created in the daughter in the family by the parents are different to the sons. The boys have the same attitude as dad that women are there to serve them and meet their desires and it is acceptable to pull down and attack others to get them to do what they want. The daughter has been taught that she is less than the boys in value and worth but that both parents want emotional things from her.
I (mum) wants to be ‘liked’ and will work hard to get this feeling from all the children, the children know they can manipulate mum to get what they want with little effort. Again all this happens as a soul to soul transaction.
The issues that spurred the action to engage ‘experiment self-responsibility’ came about due to realising the children’s treatment of me (Eloisa) and not looking after the shared living environment is damaging themselves and others. I realised that we had taught the children the wrong things, they do not honour truth and love, they have little care or consideration of others or the environment (the natural environment or the environment they live in). I imagined the children as adults doing what they are doing now and knew I had to change it, I don’t want the boys girlfriends to be treated like I get treated and I don’t want our daughter to be treated as I am treated by her partner in the future, or end up so angry that she finds a man she can control rather than feeling her sadness and pain (again she reflects me and how I am still resisting feeling all my pain and suffering which is one of the reasons why the children are acting out in the ways that they are to help me recognise what I am doing and I then have the opportunity to change in a permanent way).
We need to note that since before the children were born both parents had beliefs and feelings that would influence and create issues for the children. The children were predisposed to end up exactly as they are due to Pete and I not dealing with the issues within us before the children were born (issues meaning unloving emotions, false beliefs about love, truth and all manner of other beliefs out of harmony with God’s Way).
For my part, I allowed the children to demand and expect me to do everything for them (this is an ongoing issue). I demanded emotionally from the children and bartered that if they do certain things for me I will do all kinds of things for them. It got to the point where the attitude towards me was that I was their ‘slave’ and they can be angry if I do not do what they want.
The children (were taught) and their dad feel that the role of a wife and mother is to serve them and I agreed (again these are all emotional beliefs that we didn’t discuss, rather we acted them out in the family interactions). Over time I have come to see that this is wrong from God’s Perspective. A real relationship honours and value each party equally. For a relationship to have connection and equality gender roles need to be emotionally worked through and each person needs to develop the desire to become self-responsible. I am learning that we are capable of looking after ourselves completely and anything we are given by another person is a gift not a right or co-dependent barter.
I noticed in our family an attitude of ‘unfair’ creeping in between the children. They felt it was unfair (in their opinion) if they had to clean up after themselves, they felt it was ‘unfair’ to have to put away things if they didn’t want to, they felt it was ‘unfair’ to do anything they didn’t want to do.
I came to realise that because the children were so concerned about how unfair it was to themselves they actually became unfair to everyone around them.
My friend Jesus pointed out to me (paraphrased by Elo) that God’s Way is based on love and the more loving we are the more rewards we receive. God’s Universe is ruled by love, the way we treat others (and ourselves) is measured in terms of love and that what the children were complaining about was not love but their own self interest.
Jesus suggested an experiment on how to correct the entire family and give the opportunity for the children to change their attitudes and the parents to work through the reasons why they have created and contributed to the current situation in the family. I felt excited about the possibility of change and ran with the idea.
I want to note that Jesus and Mary had spoken to me and Peter years before that children are capable and able to be self-responsible at a far younger age than we parents want to believe (4-5years of age children could be living independently if their parents understood God’s Way and the children were given the education to look after themselves spiritually, emotionally and physically) so the idea was not new, I just had a desire to embrace the idea now.
In brief the plan consisted of:
- giving the children two months to change their attitude in how they treated me and the shared living environment
- If they chose to change their attitude they would remain living in the house, if they did not change their attitude they were required to move out into their own ‘houses’ (whatever they could afford with the money they made in two months.
- The children will live in their tents and outside kitchen/living area until their attitude does change
- As soon as their attitudes change they can return to live in the house if they want to (I will be encouraging them to live independently and if they work through some emotional issues they may well build their own houses and not live with me by their own choice, this has yet to be decided.)
The children were informed of the reasons that they were required to move out (unloving treatment of me and the shared living environment); the conditions that needed to change in order for them to return to living in the house (a sincere attitude change, involving emotional change); and the time frame they had to organize themselves to live independently if they chose not to change their attitude.
It is interesting to note (but not surprising) that all three children decided to take physical actions and not emotionally change their attitude (this is what their dad does).
All three decided to do everything alone and not work together and they were far more concerned with the physical aspects (earning money to purchase a tent) than the emotional aspects of change (changing their attitude).
There was no attitude shift so all three children moved out in January.
Progress report: January & February
So what have we found out during the past month and a half?
For me, the parent, I have discovered some large addictions, including that I have been using the children and my role as a ‘mother’ to avoid feeling painful feelings (I have had an intellectual awareness of this for some years but the experiment is bringing up feelings which I have been resisting feeling).
I have found (with help from my friends) that due to not grieving how unloved I felt as a child I have now created roles for the children to fill, especially Izzy who I want to be my friend rather than ‘my’ daughter.
I have discovered that I am not being a parent as God parents, rather I am still emotionally like a child seeking love and approval (among other things) from others rather than grieving and feeling the pain inside my soul.
I feel terribly guilty about being a bad mum and so instead of feeling the guilt, I compensate and do more and more and more to avoid feeling guilty, compounding the issues that are going on in the family.
I let the children ‘get away’ with behaviour I would not do myself and I would not tolerate in other adults in order that the children will ‘like me’.
I pander to the children’s anger, again to selfishly avoid feeling fear of my childhood experiences, this has created the children to use anger and rage as a method to control others.
The first day the kids were not in the house I lay on my bed and didn’t allow myself to get off it until I had felt the desperation within me to go out and be with the children. I felt I was a terrible mother for not spending time with them (this was reinforced by their dad and other adults who made comments to me during the first weeks of the experiment, the law of attraction is certainly perfect and brings information from all sources about the very things we need to emotionally work through the most).
Once I had felt some of the compulsion I went out and tested what would happen if I sat with the children without my usual addictive engagement (giving them a lot of energy, asking questions, talking to them and projecting feelings towards them). When I didn’t addictively engage with the children, they completely ignored me, this highlighted to me the energy I put into our interactions and if I don’t put in the effort they have little interest in spending time with me.
The children do not have to spend time with me, the experiment highlighted to me that I am invested in the children and want them to be interested in me and others when their desire is clearly indicating they are do not desire relationships except to ‘get’ what they perceive benefits them, they have little interest in people who do not meet their addictive demands, emotionally and physically.
I attract other adults telling me how terrible they feel for the children and how hard it must be for the children, this again highlighted the guilt I have and how not releasing it causes me to be an easy target of manipulation through avoiding feelings emotions I have. The mere whiff of a suggestion that I am a ‘bad mum’ is enough for me to be doing all kinds of things to please the person who made the accusation. Due to not feeling the guilt and other feelings in my soul I try and compensate which causes more issues. By not feeling the guilt and rather acting out of the guilt feelings in my experience creates more damage than correction for me and the children.
With the children moved out of the house, I am enjoying having some physical space and often find it helpful to be able to leave interactions and gain some perspective and feel about what love would do rather than auto-respond to the children’s demands.
I like that I can shut my blinds from the peering faces and have some privacy. I created relationships where my privacy is not respected and that my ex-partner and the children can demand whatever they want from me and I will do it for them (or get angry).
So far experiment self-responsibility has been very successful. It has highlighted some long standing emotional addictions I have and what is going on for me right now that needs to be corrected, for example I have grief to feel about how unloved I feel and how I want to give more and more just to avoid the grief of feeling unloved and disliked.
I feel that when I sincerely feel some emotions about feeling unloved I will emotionally stop meeting the children’s addictions and then the children will feel more emotionally challenged. This has yet to be proved.
So far I my feelings and unloving emotions are being exposed. The children are not that challenged physically or emotionally and though there are moments (physically) where they have gotten angry, such as when it rained really hard, or when it has been really hot, or their gazebo broke and they have experienced some discomfort, but for the most part they are firmly set in their attitudes and continue to act in the same way.
This is understandable and unsurprising as it is when the parent/s makes shifts that the children generally do too.
So though at first I felt the experiment would ‘help’ the kids I am actually finding that it is helping me the most to rapidly become aware of my addictions, unloving motivations and desires and once again highlighting that it is up to the parent to correct their unloving issues (sin*) which is the most rapid way to ‘help’ and encourage true change in children.
Until next time, all the best,
* Definition of sin taken from Jesus and Mary’s Assistance Group outline:
Sin is he existence of will or desire in disharmony with God’s Love and Principles, or the absence of will and desire in harmony with God’s Love and Principles, whether the will or desire is acted upon or not.
The causes of sin are simply the exstence of will or desire out of armony with God’s Love or wen will and desire in harmon with God’s Love is absent.
The effects of sin are simply what Icreate when my will or desire is exercised eiter out of harmony with God’s Love or when my will and desire in harmony with God’s Love is absent.
Note: I am currently attending an Assistance Group gifted by Jesus and Mary Magdalene in Noosaville, Queensland Australia all about Understanding Sin and it’s Causes. It is a facinating presentation and I am understanding more about sin and how avoiding feeling my emotional pain is causing more pain and more sin.
Link to the Divine Truth website and Assistance Group outlines can be found at this link, videos will be published at the same link later in 2019.