The sub tabs that link off this page are titled with pages that link to interactions with various people or groups of people.
Their purpose is to be transparent with interactions I have had and to address questions, or issues that have come up, especially when people have openly attacked us and treated us in ways I feel are out of harmony with love.
I have not always been loving in my interactions. When I have realised this I have attempted to correct my part of the unloving interaction. I have learnt much by engaging these interactions and feel I have grown and learnt through the process of replying to them. I have always tried to be open and honest and transparent with what I am aware of and know about myself at the time.
I feel that the interactions between my family and I, for example, is an interesting ‘case study’ on how families have seriously distorted ideas of ‘love’ they uphold and how when family addictions are challenged how attackingly family members respond to those that do not conform.
Interactions Index:
Either go to the tabs on the sidebar menu or click below to take you to the correspondence of choice.
20140918 Eloisa. Emails From My Parents: Responses to Parent Attack
The above is ALL of the letters from my parents in one Pdf. It is a pretty epic correspondence.
Below are separate Pdf’s for each parent’s interaction. It is exactly the same information as above but in smaller Pdf’s.
20140918_Eloisa’s_Response_to_Dad’s_Attacks
20140918_Eloisa’s_Response_to_Parent_Attacks_-_Jackie
20140918_Eloisa’s_Response_to_Mum’s_attacks
Eloisa’s Comment
I have made a decision to have no more contact with my parents after they have consistently conveyed their anger towards me and others and treated me and others in an attacking and abusive manner. I am estranged from the rest of my family and have been for some years.
I have tried very hard to have a relationship and mend the issues between my parents and I feel that they are heavily invested in me being as they want me to be – meeting all their addictions – rather than how I am. When I do not do as they think I should, they get angry and abusive as can be read in the email correspondence below.
I feel my decision is reasonable.
A little bit of Background:
Only a couple of years ago I would have told you that I had an idyllic childhood with the ‘best parents’ and ‘best, most supportive family’ in the world. I would have told you that they loved me unconditionally and were supportive and ‘there for me’ through everything. I would have told you that I only had ‘good’ memories, and those that were not so ‘good ‘were my fault because my parents ‘did the best they could’. In fact I would have tried to convince you of this if you had even thought to disagree with me.
This I have seen first hand is not the case and that the family structure that I held so dear and as so ‘loving’ is actually, in many areas, the opposite.
Unfortunately and sadly the world has been mis-educated about love and about a whole heap of things. Families end up like cults, if you agree you are accepted, approved of and ‘loved’ (I have put ‘loved’ in inverted comma’s because it doesn’t actually feel like love, it is more an emotional barter system for approval, in an addictive environment to continue to support the family belief systems, avoid feeling emotions that are painful and raw and uphold what has been put in place to ‘keep the peace’, ‘keep it nice’.)
I used to think I was close to my family and that I knew them well, that no matter what happened we would always be close. I have found the opposite to be true. What I used to think my family were like, I have realized is how I desperately wanted it to be. I was hoping for it, but it was an ideal, not the reality. I dreamt of it being as I made it up in romanticised stories for myself. My memories and feelings don’t match up to the stories I wanted to tell myself. I created a facade, a false image to keep me in denial and away from the real feelings of my childhood.
When I began a process of self discovery (three years ago doing it in a more sincere way and dabbling in it for two years before that), memories began to come back to me that I had kept squashed down low and out of sight in order to maintain the self deception that I had a loving caring family. I began to say how I felt to my family, say what it felt like for me as a child growing up in ‘our’ family, share memories of how I was treated by my parents, ‘close friends of the family’ and my siblings with them personally, and with other family members, all the things I had ‘hoped’ were true were proven not to be.
I was sexually abused by my brother when I was under 7 years of age. I had not spoken about this to anyone in detail, in fact I had told myself it was nothing. I had spoken to a friend about it when I was19 after my sister had spoken about it at my mum’s third wedding ceremony, but when my friend said that a similar thing had happened to her with her brother and she seemed totally okay about it I figured there must be something wrong with me. The shame when I mentioned it, the terrible feelings in me and the feeling that what had happened was somehow ‘wrong’ and ‘off’ I told myself must just be because there was something wrong with me and I was ‘bad’ in someway. I chose to pretend it hadn’t happened, to deny it and not talk about it again, so I just stuffed all the terrible feelings down again, told myself what my parents believed ‘ it was child’s play’ and didn’t mention it again until I was thirty.
Then there was a turning point.
I had married and had three children within 3 years and for various reasons everything in my life was getting turned upside down. I had discovered God’s Truth – through the teachings of Jesus and Mary Magdalene – and various teachings that made me question the stories and facades I had built around myself as ‘protection’ (it was an illusion of protection because I never actually felt protected by what I had created). I had been living in fear for years and finally things just got too much. I had vivid memories and feelings of things that had happened to me as a child, I began to actually feel parts of them again and the pain and memories were real. As I have felt little pieces of traumatic experiences from my past, my life has improved and the Truth is setting me free, Truth truly is the antidote to fear. Every time I face another part of how my life was as a child and sincerely feel it, life gets ‘lighter’, it feels ‘easier’ less energy spent trying to avoid and deny it and I feel better about myself personally. My sense of self is growing and I feel like I am not the ‘bad’, ‘wrong’, ‘terrible’ person who is to blame for every bad thing that happened to myself and those around me (I still have more to go to feel as God feels about me – that I am the pinnacle of God’s Creation).
At the very beginning of my soul searching I wanted a lot from my parents and family, I wanted them to love me no matter what, to be interested in my new and exciting discoveries, to want to investigate with me. I felt afraid to ‘lose’ them and didn’t know what I would do without them. I got angry at them at times when they didn’t listen to me or hear me, and angry that they were treating me harshly, when all I wanted to do was speak about my feelings.
Over the past two years my fears have been exposed and the emotions I feared have come up for me to feel. I now don’t have the same desire for my family to agree with me, what they choose to do is up to them. I have been on the receiving end of so much attack now that I actually prefer to not engage with my parents at this time and feel that until something changes we will not have a relationship. This took me years to get to this point of feeling sincere about it. I said it right at the beginning but it took me a long time to actually truly mean it emotionally and it be more than just words.
I have wanted to give opportunities for mum and dad to show me they love me over and over again but it has not happened and now it is time for me to let that expectation go and allow the deep sadness to flow. What I am wanting to convey here is that I have not been ‘perfect’ with how I have dealt with the situation with my parents. I am not ‘right’ and though I have often wanted to make ‘a point’ that hasn’t worked either. I have had to discover the truth through a process of being honest and through this I have learnt more about Love and about the feelings that are really within me along the way. It has been a growing process that has been painful and also brought more joy to my life.
I am able to see more clearly that I was mis-educated about love, I was taught to self punish in order for my parents to avoid their feelings, I was taught that parents are right and I (the child) was wrong. I was taught many things that created a lot of pain and now I am realising they are not the Truth from God’s perspective and they are just false beliefs I have harboured and I can release and change those through a simple emotional process, I feel that my life is getting better, I feel that I have even had fleeting moments of real joy and excitement and it feels good, grows my faith in God’s Way and that I can change for real and lasting!
When I began this personal discovery process, I wanted to know who I really am, what is inside me, where I am engaging in untruthful and sinful actions and how I can grow towards love and change my soul. I also wanted to speak with my parents and siblings about things that they had done to me and find out about their side of the story. I wanted to be truthful about my experiences, acknowledge that they had happened and that they were wrong in a lot of cases. This did not go down too well in the family.
The issue that has caused the most reactive response was when I spoke up about being sexually abused by my brother when I was a small child. This is the issue for me which is unresolved and I feel the most important to be resolved before a relationship can grow again.
At the moment my parents tacitly agree with my brother and the abuse. They support my brother over me and would rather ostracize and ignore me than deal with their part in this issue. My brother cannot remember what happened and we rarely communicate. They see it as my problem and nothing to do with them. They blame me for the family ‘break down’ and cannot see that they have done anything to contribute to how our relationship is at this time. In regards to the sexual abuse, because it happened ‘so long ago’ I get the feeling from my family that I should ‘forget about it’ and ‘leave it in the past’.
I sincerely feel that it is important for me to work through the issue of sexual abuse and not live in it for the next hundred years or more, I also see it as a process of releasing emotions which from what I have heard results in forgiveness. I have not done this myself yet so I am not sure about how it works or what the results will be.
When I talked to my brother and my parents about being sexually abused their responses were as follows:
My brother cannot remember the abuse at all.
My sister didn’t want to talk about it at all as she feels she has come to terms with it. (She has not spoken to me for years now bar a few superficial conversations every now and again.)
My Mum said she didn’t know about it, she just thought it was child’s play and only when I got very distressed had she considered it to be anything more. She didn’t speak or communicate with me in any way for months after that and if we did converse it was me making the contact and if we spoke about ‘sweet nothings’ all was okay and if we spoke about anything else it was not okay at all. I did not speak with my mother for about 18 months, I called her wanting to give her another chance to love me and the conversation consisted of her being condescending, angry at me, measured in tone, twisting everything to blame me and ended with no resolution and her not seeing any way forward in our relationship.
My Dad condescended to me, raged at me, sent me angry emails, letters, and raged more over the phone. We didn’t talk for about 8 months, he dropped by un-announced when he thought he was going to die, to drop some letters off to me but didn’t want to talk to me about anything at that time, even though I gave him the opportunity to stay and speak with me. I didn’t hear from him for months after that and when I did again and said that the whole reason for my lack of contact was that he didn’t believe me about being sexually abused he told me that he would need all the evidence before he believed me and that he couldn’t speak with me over the telephone about it but had to have face to face contact. I had told him 18 months previously that I had been sexually abused and he had not mentioned it or spoken with me about it during that time. I felt off about this and ended up telling him over the phone. He was quiet and I think shocked and couldn’t disagree that it was abusive. I have not properly heard from him since. He has called when I have been away and sent letters telling me he loves me and blaming me for how the relationship is at the same time. I now return all of his correspondence.
My Dad’s wife, stepmother, has attacked me, Peter and Peter’s family for years always wanting the last word. I have been manipulated through my hope that she actually sees my point of view but I feel that she has no idea about what I am speaking to her about. She believes she does, but her actions demonstrate otherwise.
My siblings don’t speak with me for reasons unknown to myself but it always feels awkward and that much goes unsaid.
Each of my parents feels that they can rage, condescend, and abuse me in some way one moment, tell me they love me the next, and the next have conversations about ‘the wether’ and that somehow I ought to forget and not speak about how they treated me the time before. That I should accept this and be totally okay with it because they are ‘my’ parents and they ‘love’ me and I ought to ‘understand’ that abusing me is them just trying to ‘help’ me and show me they ‘love me’. For my whole life I absorbed this and agreed with them. Now I cannot agree with this anymore. It is confusing, feels terrible, twisted and manipulative and I want to grow relationships based on real love & truth, not facade, approval, or fakery any longer.
I have been subjected to this my entire life and absorbed it. I agreed with the family until very recently. Now I feel that it is abusive. Though I still am open to accepting abusive behaviour towards my own person I would not accept this behaviour towards the children in our care, and I would notice it much more acutely if it was anyone other than family members, I also feel I would have taken stronger, quicker actions if it had been towards another rather than myself. I feel there is a problem with this and as my sense of self grows so does the feeling that what is happening between me and my family is very, very wrong especially based on the grounds that they say they ‘love’ me. I cannot agree that love acts in the way they are acting any more.
I have made a choice to not have my parents in my life at this time. I see in myself wanting to give opportunity after opportunity to them to love me for real and in a real way and I end up being abused over and over again. I need to feel the sadness I am so afraid of and allow myself to heal. To educate ‘little Eloisa’ about love and how loving parents would act, to teach myself about love and to release all the hurt and pain and feelings I have so that I can truly forgive for real and have different, truly loving relationships with the kids that I have desired into the world.
I feel my decision to stop all contact with my parents is reasonable.
There is part of me wondering what the use of sharing this with others is, partially due to my fear that they will continue or increase their anger and attack of me and Pete and my friends. I have a growing feeling that being transparent is important. Thus I have attached the email transcripts of our ‘conversations’ so people have the opportunity to see and read for themselves the interactions between my family and I.
I feel that families need to get real about what they are and are not and the only way to do that is to be truthful, transparent and self responsible. Stop blaming others – both parents and children and start feeling and making personal choices to love in a real way. Stop the lies, stop ‘brushing stuff under the carpet’ or not mentioning ‘the elephant in the room’. Yes it is confronting – at first. Yes it is painful – for a time, because everything that has been stuffed down deep to hide it, all the shame, guilt, fear, anger, all the feelings that we fear and are ‘messy’ are exposed and there is a process to go through to sort these out, but it can be done and when it is, wow, that will be a thing to celebrate. I have only begun this process, dabbled in it and my life is the best it has been yet and it is not even great – yet.
The anecdote to fear is Truth. Fear destroys. I know this for certain. Truth and Love allow the opportunity to grow in an infinitely positive direction. There is so much to be gained, so much to be discovered and found and healed in truly wanting to love in a real way!
I firmly believe, based on my personal experience, that until we are honest with what is really going on in ‘our’ families, and we want to make the choice to change for ourselves, we cannot change. There is so much abuse and pain created in children by the childhood environment – including family.
I feel that it is possible to have a loving family environment on earth and I am passionate about being honest about this in order to change and grow in a positive direction. To encourage families to be truthful, self responsible, and to love in a real way, as God loves.
The following is the correspondence and interactions with my family over the last years. There are things that my parents and siblings have said to me that are true and I have taken into consideration, and felt, continue to feel about and examine about myself, there is also a lot that is harsh, condescending, dismissive and attacking and completely untrue in what they feel and accuse me and others of.
I feel the attack towards myself, Pete and others can be clearly seen in the following correspondence. Other interactions with my parents have occurred by phone and letter.
My parents, particularly Jackie and Dad have also chosen to attack my friends Jesus and Mary, making false claims & accusations and blaming and involving them in many things that they have nothing to do with. Jackie has misrepresented the teachings of Divine Truth and has openly slandered, attacked, condescended and been out right nasty to these beautiful souls who teach about God, Love and Forgiveness. Jackie and Dad in particular have chosen to attack and blame Jesus and Mary rather than deal with the issues between them and I. They would rather attack and say that it is the fault of people they do not know and who’s teachings they have not investigated extensively nor applied to their own lives than deal with the issues that are outstanding between them and I. I feel this is nasty, unwarranted, unloving and out of line.
My parents have told me that they love me consistently while at the same time abusing me and others (getting angry, manipulating me, ostracizing me etc.) I feel that my parents concept of love is grossly distorted and their actions demonstrate to me that what they want to maintain as ‘loving’ behaviour, I wish to never accept as a real concept of love again!
DEAR GOD... 